Nate and Serena decide to "take it slow," but because they have the attention spans of guppies, they are unable to finish saying the word "slow" before they are fucking on every surface in Eleanor Waldorf's house. Since Dorota's on holiday with Vanya, the implications there are pretty dire. Then Dan and Blair get their big stupid faces involved and confuse the brainless toothsome twosome with all kinds of words, but they only have a certain amount of time to feel helpless and confounded before they have to go to the French Ambassador's Ball.
Jenny and her drug-dealing crush cook up some damned elaborate Ocean's 11 scenarios so they can deliver drugs to the French Ambassador's Daughter, and eventually come to the natural conclusion that the simplest possible solution is to create a shrug made of drugs -- a drug-shrug -- and wear it to the party. But then because of Blair's random comparison of Nate's penis to her own bulimia, Serena decides to make Nate jealous by going as Damian's date. As though Nate could even understand that concept.
Turns out S and Damian knew each other at that boarding school she attended for either six months, or a year or more, depending on what the spacetime continuum is up to. I'm sure Damian also ended up there for fucking his best friend's significant other, having a drug-fueled threesome on camera, and then killing a guy, all on the same night.
Flummoxed by feelings about drug-dealing Damian, resourceful Jenny goes back to Plan B, which is apparently just always going to be Nate, who has meanwhile let Dan Humphrey talk him into treating Serena pretty much exactly like you'd think he would. Serena wears the ugly drug-shrug to the party, but then she and Nate see each other and they suddenly remember that they are dating, so they end up fucking on every surface at the French Ambassador's Castle. Jenny gets the drug-shrug to its intended recipient, and informs Damian that she is interested in him, as far more than just the guy that uses her as a drug mule.
Rufus went to Telluride with Lincoln Hawk and when he came back, he went into hiding so that he wouldn't have to talk to his wife about her many, many lies. Like, people literally keep finding him lurking all over New York City and being like, "Go home, Rufus! It's cold outside!" Meanwhile, Lily did not have sex with Dr. van der Woodsen during her Tour of Deception last summer, but they did make out. You know Rufus thinks that's the same thing. So he hops on the elevator of the building his wife owns and heads down a few floors so he can mack on his fellow Real Housewife. Dumb, Rufus. You're going to have to get a job at this rate. This story continues to be totally boring, because Lily being sketchy and Rufus getting self-righteous is like having a storyline where Dan acts judgmental and Vanessa is repulsive.
And finally, Chuck tracks down that mysterious grave-visiting lady Elizabeth, and she talks sort of weird. She tells him she was just one of his dad's hos, but Blair -- after going on a slight wobbler involving La Table Élitaire, strange sex costumes, and an array of scary outfits -- can see into her mind and realizes that she's lying, so she attacks old Elizabeth in her special way. Eventually the lady calls Chuck, but he misses the call, and we learn that in the other half of the locket is a picture of her, holding baby Chuck and looking totally not dead.
So is she his mother? I don't know. They are both freaky enough to be related. I thought that would be really offensive if she turned out not dead, but Chuck and Blair discuss that whole thing at length and it seems okay now. I still hope it's a mean trick.
Find out what we want to see happen on this show this spring and check back soon for the full recap.
Serena pretended to get a job, then pretended to be Jackie O, then pretended to be in love with Nate. Blair became the future Ruth Madoff she's always about to be, while Chuck pretended that they weren't both totally insane right now. Nate pretended to be Nate, as usual. Vanessa pretended Dan wasn't in love with her, and that her homosexual boyfriend was not a homosexual. Jenny pretended that her drug-dealer mentor was attractive, and that she was also a drug dealer. Lily pretended all manner of things while Rufus pretended to be a cheating housewife. And some weird lady pretended to be some other weird lady.
GG's theme tonight is the word "time," so she just keeps saying that word in different languages placed in sentences that don't even make sense. There's a lot of really bad dialogue in this episode generally, but it's so precisely shitty and awkward that it almost seems stylized, like Secret Life or something. I don't get it. In the same way that Blair yelling at Georgina turned her evil enough to murder Poppy for no reason, or the entire fucking Rachel Carr travesty, it's like that. And then in addition to the dumb storylines -- which strain believability anyway, in terms both of character and general human behavior -- everybody's talking all weird the entire time.
Bass and Elizabeth in particular speak this stilted, contraction-free Yoda way, but Damien also gets some really curious turns of phrase in there. And of course you have that Blair problem that sometimes happens where the dialogue is not as smart as the character, so she ends up making weird grammar mistakes or just straight-up using the wrong word for no reason at all, which makes her look trashy instead of brilliant as intended. Not a hugely fun way to start the spring season, but I've missed these bitches enough that it'll slide.
Anyway, Serena is all excited because Nate's coming home from van der Bilt country tomorrow. Which, I guess now that Aaron is a total disgrace and Grandfather hates his bitch wife, maybe Nate can finally just be a member of his family. I wonder where Anne Archibald is these days? They should just get a house in the Hamptons and be done with it. "Mother wanted me to come out in a kimono," he'd say, "So we had quite a fight." But honestly, you'd dress up Nate all the time if you had one.
In pretty much precisely that way, Blair equates her missing of Dorota -- who's spending the holidays with Vanya and becoming more and more pregnant with her industrial East European baby -- with S's missing of Nate, which S finds hilarious. Blair gets suddenly and for no real narrative reason obsessed with the idea of S not hooking up with Nate until some relationship time has passed, which S thinks is stupid and cute, and talks up her big first date with him: The French ambassador's dinner tomorrow. Blair says something random about chastity belts, S rolls her eyes, and Blair says for the sixth time -- while randomly coming across the "E" locket from the cliffhanger before -- that if S wants her thing with Nate to "become real," she's going to have to take it slow. "Slow" is the only way either of them does anything so I'm not sure why this is such an urgent topic. Slow is their default setting. Well, unless you are talking about fucking, which is I guess B's point.