Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
admin: C | Grade It Now!
Bet They Collect Things, Like Ashtrays & Art
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Serena pretended to get a job, then pretended to be Jackie O, then pretended to be in love with Nate. Blair became the future Ruth Madoff she's always about to be, while Chuck pretended that they weren't both totally insane right now. Nate pretended to be Nate, as usual. Vanessa pretended Dan wasn't in love with her, and that her homosexual boyfriend was not a homosexual. Jenny pretended that her drug-dealer mentor was attractive, and that she was also a drug dealer. Lily pretended all manner of things while Rufus pretended to be a cheating housewife. And some weird lady pretended to be some other weird lady.

GG's theme tonight is the word "time," so she just keeps saying that word in different languages placed in sentences that don't even make sense. There's a lot of really bad dialogue in this episode generally, but it's so precisely shitty and awkward that it almost seems stylized, like Secret Life or something. I don't get it. In the same way that Blair yelling at Georgina turned her evil enough to murder Poppy for no reason, or the entire fucking Rachel Carr travesty, it's like that. And then in addition to the dumb storylines -- which strain believability anyway, in terms both of character and general human behavior -- everybody's talking all weird the entire time.

Bass and Elizabeth in particular speak this stilted, contraction-free Yoda way, but Damien also gets some really curious turns of phrase in there. And of course you have that Blair problem that sometimes happens where the dialogue is not as smart as the character, so she ends up making weird grammar mistakes or just straight-up using the wrong word for no reason at all, which makes her look trashy instead of brilliant as intended. Not a hugely fun way to start the spring season, but I've missed these bitches enough that it'll slide.

Anyway, Serena is all excited because Nate's coming home from van der Bilt country tomorrow. Which, I guess now that Aaron is a total disgrace and Grandfather hates his bitch wife, maybe Nate can finally just be a member of his family. I wonder where Anne Archibald is these days? They should just get a house in the Hamptons and be done with it. "Mother wanted me to come out in a kimono," he'd say, "So we had quite a fight." But honestly, you'd dress up Nate all the time if you had one.

In pretty much precisely that way, Blair equates her missing of Dorota -- who's spending the holidays with Vanya and becoming more and more pregnant with her industrial East European baby -- with S's missing of Nate, which S finds hilarious. Blair gets suddenly and for no real narrative reason obsessed with the idea of S not hooking up with Nate until some relationship time has passed, which S thinks is stupid and cute, and talks up her big first date with him: The French ambassador's dinner tomorrow. Blair says something random about chastity belts, S rolls her eyes, and Blair says for the sixth time -- while randomly coming across the "E" locket from the cliffhanger before -- that if S wants her thing with Nate to "become real," she's going to have to take it slow. "Slow" is the only way either of them does anything so I'm not sure why this is such an urgent topic. Slow is their default setting. Well, unless you are talking about fucking, which is I guess B's point.

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Gossip Girl




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