Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now!
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Bet They Collect Things, Like Ashtrays & Art

So Bart Bass was all about giving his hos mementos of whatever, and one lady got his name tattooed on her ass (Which: Um, no she didn't, have you ever even met Bart Bass? Come on) so Chuck sure doesn't want to find the person he's obviously really trying to find, and it works in that he's trying to convince Blair of the thing he's trying to convince himself of, so she can bounce it back to him and be on his side, except later he explains this word for word, so -- much like the rest of the episode -- it's a null sum.

Jenny snottily submits to Lily's affectionate questions about her Xmas holiday with Awful Alison, and they talk about Jenny's belief that Lily opted out of going to Telluride with Rufus and the rest of Lincoln Hawk. I can literally think of nothing more obnoxious. I'd probably pick Alison Humphrey too, given the choice. Lily covers and lies and acts like their marriage isn't falling apart due entirely to the vast and incomprehensible conspiracy she has mounted against her husband for no reason, and Damien shows up with a box of cookies and acts like a slimy thirty-year-old, which is what he is.

In a tenderly green moment that marks the first time she has ever tried to parent a child, Lily invites Jenny -- who is just hateful toward everybody in this set of scenes, which made it harder to register how totally awesome she ends up being for the rest of the episode -- to keep the door open rather than rawdogging her elderly drug-dealing paramour away from prying eyes. Jenny tells her to stuff it because they would just go to a hotel -- you are in a hotel -- but he still just sees her as a little girl, and the drug-dealing Arthur to his drug-dealing Merlin if you will, so no dice. She tells Lily to fuck off and stop bugging her about Rufus because she has stuff on her agenda, and then goes back into the bedroom, where instead of smiling at Damien she just acts like an asshole some more.

Speaking of assholes, Rufus is home from his ski trip but squatting at DUMBO, ignoring Lily's calls, and scrambling to eat all the waffles in the world, and it's really sad because Dan's only got the toaster out there at DUMBO, because Jenny and Eric took the waffle iron back to the UES with them if you recall, so they're not even Rufus Waffles he's going to be eating, or Kotter mugs he's going to be drinking his coffee out of, because now that you're in the gay bachelor pad that Dan calls home, the only luxury to which you really have access is knowing with full certainty that Vanessa Abrams won't be stopping by.

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Gossip Girl

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