Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now!
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Bet They Collect Things, Like Ashtrays & Art

There is an unbelievably retarded conversation with the jeweler who... We're not clear. Because after getting his palm greased, he says that "Elizabeth Fisher" brought this particular locket to him to get the hinge fixed, about a month ago. And I guess sometime in the subsequent month, Elizabeth Fisher broke that motherfucker again, because the biggest plotpoint in this episode is what's in the other half of the locket. So what did she do with it to break the hinge so immediately? I had this image of her in the pool at the Iroquois Hotel putting it on her belly and smashing it with a rock, like an otter with a clam, but I realize that's unlikely. Although she's so fucking weird who knows.

Anyway, the jeweler is like, "Jeweler-Client privilege!" which is not a thing, but then he's like, "She paid in cash!" but then he produces this fucking dossier of information about her, like her birthdate and social security number and favorite book character growing up, her GPS location at the moment in time, and Chuck takes this info and peaces. And like a lot of his scenes this week, you can tell they're so painfully stupid and badly written that it's inhibiting his acting. Which, some people that would help maybe, but because it's Chuck it's like watching one of those Easter Island tiki-head people slip on a banana peel.

GG babbles about time and S comes home to the Waldorf house, where Nate is sitting on the couch and staring into space, and he talks about how he was annoying Grandfather with the constant sexting and so he flew his pretty ass back a day early, but so can they make out, but actually he has to leave, and S takes insane B's insane advice and offers to "take things slow" and Nate is like, "We already are, implicitly," and she's like, "I cant wait to try not fucking you!" And he's like, "I know! It's going to be... And now we're fucking. Well, saw that one coming."

Nate shows up at the Bleecker and Dan's all rude to him and then explains -- nobody would ever say this -- that he is just disappointed that Nate -- whom he invited to meet for coffee -- is not Vanessa -- who is not speaking to him. Trying to understand this terrible writing in this terrible episode, Nate goes, "You invited Vanessa here? Too?" Like desperately trying to understand the connection. But no, Dan's just nuts and thinking maybe because Vanessa drinks coffee she might go to a coffee shop, and then he goes, "I read like five self-help blogs about how to turn Friends into Lovers," which is a wonderfully Dan-like line that causes an amazing Nate face in response. Then, once again redirecting the episode for no possible reason but the plot, he abruptly goes, "You know, they say that you should take things more slowly with a friend than you do with someone you just met." Oh, is it? Is that what they say, Dan? He tells Nate to read the love blogs before hooking up with Serena, and Nate has like forgotten they just did it, so he agrees.

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Gossip Girl

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