Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now!
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Bet They Collect Things, Like Ashtrays & Art

Meanwhile S walks into lunch with B, looking quite satiated, and B makes a joke about clogs that is not funny, makes very little sense, and is horrifically irrelevant, and we don't need to discuss it further. Over at the Bleecker, Nate's espousing a "whatever happens happens" philosophy, which burns Dan's skin of course, so he immediately starts in on Nate about how Serena is a whore and a vile woman of the night and will break his heart by not acting like a china doll who can somehow be both rich but poor and wild but responsible and a virgin but also a whore, which as he sees it was mostly the reason she's to blame for their failed relationship. Well, that and the fact that it's now incest or whatever.

Nate's like, "I've known this girl my whole life, and we're pretty much the same person anyway, so step off?" But no dice, and meanwhile B is giving S her blessing to try things with Nate, as long as it doesn't involve trying anything with Nate. Which is very Blair Waldorf of her. Serena, noting quietly that we're heading into "My Best Friend The Whore" territory, suggests gently that B has no idea what she's talking about, and it's like she didn't even say a word, really, because Blair is about to launch on a speech that... Seems to have been written by a person who has literally never seen this show.

"You are the one thing Nate has always wanted and could never have. It's like a diet. After years of starvation, you can't just let him gorge on sundaes. He'll panic and decide he hates ice cream!" Or, um... BARF? Did you seriously just give me Blair using diet metaphors? Incorrectly? Are you kidding me with this shit? I know we're pretending she doesn't have an eating disorder and never did, but... Aren't you just begging the question here? And isn't the question, "How come this show sucks sometimes? And how come when it does, it's never only partially?"

So Serena points out that she's "not ice cream," which is basically true, and that she and Nate are too dumb to play games. Blair's gorgeous hair is like, "Everyone needs to play games. Look, you've already failed to come out of the gate with any restraint or control. Now all you can do is introduce some competition, make him work for it." Serena actually laughs, adoringly, because it honestly the dumbest thing Blair has ever said. But Serena and Nate will always be dumber than the dumbest thing Blair says, so S pretends that it's not working its way into her brain like a secret icicle of stupid.

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Gossip Girl

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