Serena dragged Ivy back to the UES, still under the impression that she was actually Cousin Charlie. Dan found out that Chuck slept with Blair the night of the bar mitzvah, and that Blair was pregnant; he also got Chuck's help with his literary problems and got obsessed with making him feel feelings. And, last year, Lily went under house arrest for nine months because she forged an affidavit alleging that a private-school professor slept with her daughter. They got rid of half their children, and everybody was super bitchy to her because everybody is super bitchy.
"They say the only way to conquer your fear is to face what you fear the most," Gossip Girl explains, while everybody gets ready for their day. "You must walk into the belly of the beast, and risk the possibility of failure. But try to hide from the fear, and you risk it swallowing you whole..." Blair's results are put into a very professional envelope and ready for pickup, Serena and Ivy arrive in town, and Nate is feeling very fancy about his new made-up job, which he believes is realistic in the same way that Serena always thinks her made-up jobs are real.
Meanwhile, Blair is not interested in her results, because she's reading about Grace Kelly some more. Reader Joseph V. pointed out that horrible Beatrice's big plans are similar to what went down in the 1950's with Prince Rainier. Antoinette, the Baroness of Massy, tried to usurp her brother by spreading rumors that his girlfriend was infertile; this ended up causing a breakup and he married Grace Kelly, who thence kicked the Baroness out altogether. I was so busy looking into the succession rules that I didn't even think to look for real stuff, but the Grace Kelly of it all makes this important. Plus, hopefully it means that we'll get to see Blair deliver a global smackdown to Beatrice before all's said and done, which would be satisfying on absolutely every level.
Blair: "Go away, I'm preparing for my interview with Hello! magazine!"
Dorota: "[Broken English about paternity doctor result on telephone available.]"
Blair: "Hang up or I'll tell the reporter you're undocumented!"
Ah, but Dorota isn't on the phone with the office, she's on the phone with Daniel Humphrey, life coach and control freak. In a truly, truly outrageous alliance of equals, Dorota and Dan have teamed up to hound Blair to the grave about this paternity thing. Surprise, Dan's up in everybody's shit yet again.