(He makes sure not to steal Blair's phone, or Dan's, but has no way of knowing that the unmarked phone is Ivy's.)
HONOR AMONG THIEVES
Carol: "Are you fucking kidding me? Impersonating an actual person?"
Ivy: "Look, Blair Waldorf has given me some wise counsel about fucking you over."
Carol: "Well, yes. Obviously Blair Waldorf possesses the keys to success."
Ivy: "What are you going to say? Policeman, this is the actress that I hired to impersonate my daughter so she could go off her pretend medications in an elaborate scheme to undermine my own parental responsibility and thus get access to my daughter's trust fund. Please arrest her for taking part in my fraud. How's that gonna work? It didn't even really make sense the first time around."
Carol: "I don't even get why you would want to associate with Rhodes Women anyway. We are the worst."
Ivy, verbatim: "I came from nothing. Everything here sparkles. And that family that you can't stand has been kinder to me than my own family ever was. I'm not walking away from that. And if you try to take me down, Carol, you're coming with me."
Dan: "Baby, I love you. I'm sorry, you know how I get when I'm being passive-aggressive and controlling. Won't you take me back so that I can micromanage your existence again? I have missed that so much, baby."
Blair: "No, it's completely my fault as usual. I hate myself."
Dan: "Truth is, I think I've been using you to avoid facing some problems of my own. I promised to hold your hand, but maybe I've been forcing it."
Blair, verbatim: "I turned to you, Dan, because I knew you were the only one who'd protect me from my own worst instincts."
Let's ... hear that again, shall we?
Blair: "I turned to you, Dan, because I knew you were the only one who'd protect me from my own worst instincts."
Dan, not even going near the Serena bullshit of that: "Look, when Georgina showed up with my fake Russian baby, I fell instantly in love with him. No matter which of your adulterous fornications produced the child now growing in your womb, either of your boyfriends will do the same. Or if you show up on my doorstep like every other episode this season so far, I will also love that little boy or girl. What I'm saying is that I want your baby inside me."
Blair: "Okay, but since my entire life is really just an excuse to avoid your own, what happens when I open this envelope? How will you decide whether to let Noah Shapiro take the problem off your hands, or grasp desperately at the fame and glory out of nowhere that this ludicrous publishing deal represents?"
Dan: "The fact that you're even asking that proves you don't know me at all."