Ivy: "When Blair came running up at the show they totally mislaid my phone and I didn't realize it until just now."
Serena: "That's okay, I'm more interested in mean-girling you about your fashion sense."

Payne: "I love stealing information from people's phones! It's sexy and diabolical."
Nate: "Where did this random phone come from? Who is named Ivy? Who gets texts from a person named Max?"
Gossip Girl: "Probably the best way to keep Ivy from getting found out is giving Nate the only clue."
Max: Dear Ivy I am coming to the Upper East Side and you have no idea Love Max

Next week: The sped-up publication cycle takes its toll as Dan must deal with fame, a film adaptation, thirty weeks on the bestseller lists and the admiration of millions despite the book being bought ten minutes ago. Apparently among the facts he's massaged in his scathing satire are, he fucked Blair and turned Nate gay. Both of which are practically true anyway, from where I'm standing, and anyway I'm more interested in learning how creeped out Serena is going to be by the one chapter toward the beginning that's just SERENA SERENA SERENA like a hundred million times. Also whether or not she can read.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.