Gossip Girl: "Somebody is pregnant! And I know who it is, maybe."
Nate shows up to work and Diana Payne wants to fuck him in her office and he gets a bad feeling about once again being a whore, so -- and I am not exaggerating or confabulating this -- she abruptly fires the entire staff so that they can fuck on every surface, like any level-headed businesswoman would, and it's so goddamn stupid. I'm not saying it's unrealistic, of course. Just stupid.
FAMOUS CENTRAL PARK WEST OB-GYN
Dan: "Open that envelope! I'm projecting my own fears of success and failure and embarrassment about a made-up silly problem onto your very serious and personal life-altering transition, so I am going to act about as crazy as you usually do."
Blair: "Well, I am stuck between the nightmare that I think I might want and the fantasy life I've always dreamed of, so there's no reason for me to think about becoming a Powerful Woman or even think of dating you right now, at this point in the story. Please, tell me what to do and boss me around and act insufferable so I don't have to think or act of my own accord."
Dan: "I'm happy we are friends. I hope the baby is Louis's, I guess. Whatever would make you happy. The important thing is that I harass you into doing something you're not emotionally prepared to do yet."
Blair, verbatim: "You're right. I'll open it, immediately after my interview with Hello! magazine. I can't face the press if I've just heard unsettling news. I need to look like Grace Kelly, not Grace Coddington."
Iconoclast! Talking shit about Grace Coddington is like talking shit about a three-legged puppy. I mean, I guess it's okay to be realistic about how crazy she looks now because she was a great model and everything, but it still seems like a cheap shot. Like how we all have to pretend Sophia Loren's still got it. But I guess Blair's just on edge. I guess having Dan Humphrey up your ass all day will do that to a person.
Dan: "Well, you're not the only person I'm manipulating and Abramsing right now, so you go do whatever pointless shit you're doing today that doesn't concern me -- unlike this personal trauma that doesn't concern me in any way -- and I will meet you back at your house, at a time I will specify, so that I can watch sternly as you open this envelope, like I'm one of your gay dads and not your obvious love interest."
Blair: "That sounds totally normal. Hey, your hair looks like a muppet because you have become weirdly tiny. Burn!"