Dan: "Alessandra, hi. Imagine meeting you here, in one of your client's offices, alone, hours after you showed up. Are you sure you're actually an agent and not like a psychiatric patient?"
Alessandra: "In my case, it's kind of both. Allow me to draw a veil of conspiracy around your entire life, courtesy of Noah Shapiro. You are now, for all intents and purposes, in the Shpatrix."
Dan: "Okay, have you seen Noah?"
Alessandra: "No, I have no idea where he is. Instead of work, I just like to hang around in his office by myself and reveal his manuscripts to children and strangers. Like this one! Just picked up by Simon & Schuster. Inside."
Dan: "It is a scathing satire of the Upper East Side lifestyle?"
Alessandra: "That is actually its subtitle. Inside: A Scathing & Brilliant Satire Of The Upper East Side Lifestyle By One Who Has Lived It But Is Still Untainted Deep Within His Heart Because He Is Better Than Everybody."
Dan: "Since you asked, my hair looks so fucked up because I have lost about a hundred pounds and currently look like the ghost of a consumptive dandy."
Alessandra: "I didn't ask, but okay. I like it, very Jeff Buckley. Hang on, I have to take a pretend phone call! Sure, the author of Inside will be dining at Club A Steakhouse with various hangers-on, thanks for confirming. Now, did you overhear that? Sometimes grownups do shit like this."
Gossip Girl, verbatim: "Poor Lonelyboy. You just learned the true meaning of publish or perish."
Ivy: "Hey Max, you are the best thing on this entire show and leaving you for no reason whatsoever was kind of a bad call. I admit that now. I am currently at [address] but will soon be joining you in Portland. Please text in reply to this voicemail, then come looking for me."
Serena: "Peepers! Why are you getting in this cab?"
Ivy: "Your mom called me a hosebeast and I think she's maybe right."
The Tiny Gerbil In Serena's Mind: Spins so fast it throws sparks.
Serena: "Okay, but could you return these Jenny Packham tickets by hand for no real reason?"
Ivy: "Sure, I will do that for no reason."
Serena, smirking: "I am going to Humphrey you real good. Me and my Serena Schemes!"