Downstairs, Dorota welcomes Serena (and semi-welcomes Ivy) back to the UES. Ivy's got the Fear her own self, due to being a fraud on top of being Pretend Cousin Peepers who fucked everything up anyway last year, but of course Serena will hear none of it: "That is not the look of a girl in an Empire State Of Mind!" she giggles, lest we forget for one second Alicia Keys' embarrassing grammatical ignorance.
Serena: "We have CeCe lying for you to Aunt Carol, and I'm sure Lily will similarly enjoy keeping a secret from your mom, so it's fine. Good thing your mother is horrible, and also not your actual mother because you are imaginary."
Peeps: "Since I can't talk about how ludicrous it is for me to even be here because I'm not related to you in any way, let's talk instead about how damaging my performance of Cousin Peepers was last year, and how probably Blair will murder me if she ever comes downstairs."
Serena, verbatim: "Please, this place is a mecca for psychotic freaks. Everyone goes off the rails at some point around here. It's practically a rite of passage on the Upper East Side. It's our version of a bar mitzvah."
You know how else going off the rails is like a bar mitzvah? How you could get knocked up at one.
EMPIRE STATE OF IMPOTENCE
Dan, not satisfied with controlling Blair's uterus by remote servant labor, has also decided to take responsibility for Chuck's emotional state. Since Chuck cannot feel -- having fallen to hysteria after handing Blair off to Prince Louis without so much as a Bill of Lading -- Dan would like to make him feel. By any means necessary.
Chuck: "I didn't even enjoy raping that editorial assistant to help you with your mysterious publishing fantasy storyline, and now you have brought a dog into the Empire. This is the sort of thing one would like to discuss with Nate first, being that he'll end up having to care for the animal."
Dan: "Chuck, you felt nothing after Field Of Dreams, so I'm taking it to the next level. If that movie can't make you feel, then maybe this little guy can!"
Field Of Dreams, the Costner movie about a dude getting closure with his now-dead and always-distant father? The one where the ghost of the father haunts his son in a charming baseball-related fashion? So right, and so wrong, and so very Dan. You wanna make Chuck cry? Show him a movie where the sexual deviant gets his comeuppance. Show him a movie where a person is accountable for like one thing, and he'll shake himself to pieces. But Field Of Dreams? That's just for making you hate white people.