Chuck: "The only thing this mongrel makes me feel is disgust!"
Dan: "I know, but this mongrel is only trying to help! ...Or were you talking about the dog?"
Chuck: "Take it back to the pound, or I will!"
Dan: "I am too busy for that! I will be rudely dropping this problem in your lap and then running off to my other mentor besides Jay McInerney, Noah Shapiro that nobody watching this show would even remember. Surely he can navigate the complex world of publishing on my behalf."
Chuck, verbatim: "I have some kneepads in the bedroom if you need them."
Dan, verbatim: "I think simple conversation will do the trick, but thank you."
Chuck: "No, I just meant in general."
Nate: "Speaking of me, hello! Dan, why are you here? Did we have a date?"
Dan: "No, I was here climbing up Chuck's soul for no good reason."
Nate: "Why is there a dog?"
Nate: "Just kidding, I don't have the attention span. Look! A doggie!"
Dan & Chuck: "Weren't you going to do something today or something?"
Nate: "Right, I have to go to my very important job at that pretend Daily Beast."
Chuck: "You know that job is imaginary, right?"
Nate: "Look! A doggie!"
PETIT DÉJEUNER, CHEZ WALDORF
Serena & Ivy: "Look at this amazing breakfast!"
Dorota: "Like any of you bitches eat."
Blair: "Hey, why is Cousin Peepers here again? Planning on stumbling into my room in the middle of another psychotic break? I won't call you Serena, lady. I won't do it."
Serena: "Don't be silly! I was just jealous that Chuck got a pet."
Ivy: "Blair, I love your house. It's just like Cruel Intentions."
Serena, verbatim: "You should have seen the place I found Charlie living! Squalor is too nice a word."
Ivy, awesomely: Hates Serena a little bit, because what a jerk.
Louis Is: In Cologne, for a charity event, and will return tonight.
Meanwhile: Blair needs to find out who the father of her child is, give an interview to Hello! magazine to retain their Royal Wedding uptick, finish the Grace Kelly bio, and feel herself slowly being ground to a fine paste under the jackbooted smothering of Humphrey Friendship.
Blair, additionally: "Possibly find a new maid. An employee with one child is annoying. Two is grounds for termination."