Gossip Girl
The Jewel Of Denial

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: B+
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Charlie The Unicorn

Serena: "Oh my gosh, Dorota! Is that your name? You're just like family. I am so excited about your new pregnancy! Remember how condescending we all were last time?"
Dorota: "Best part of pregnant is knowing who father is unlike some Miss Blairs know. Am only glad Miss Lily on house arrest for no visit hospital this time. Babies no need ostrich wallet, only Dorota's peasant milk and firm hand."
Rufus: Will be fucking that up too, before we even get one funny house-arrest C plot. I guess that wouldn't really be fun without Eric anyway, though.

Blair: "Not to sound too Gossip Girl, but I'm sorry to '├ęclair and run,' ladies."
Serena: "Does this mean you're not going to the Jenny Packham show tonight? We were finally invited to model together!"
Blair: "Nice callback to how this show used to work, but no. I have 99 problems."

Dorota: "First you put hand under boot of Mr. Humphrey and do what he say without question. Is to be friends with Mr. Humphrey."
Blair: "Uh, no. I'm going shopping in complete denial. Have we met?"

Blair likes plans, and there's no way this works out. If it's Louis's child, that's it. She can't even fantasize about the road(s) not taken. And if it's Chuck's, then she's fucked in a whole other way. Maybe a great way, maybe a sick way, but there's pros and cons everywhere you look. And then there's Dan. And if history has anything to teach us, it's that she could probably fool him into thinking the baby's his, if she wanted that, which she also kind of does. But she doesn't know that yet.

Serena: "See, Blair let you stay here despite your psychotic break and creepy attempt to carve my head into a Halloween mask for your own perverse enjoyment. Now we'll talk to my mom, and she'll do whatever I say too. This is actually how my life works."
Ivy: "Oh right, I remember why I hate you now."

NOAH SHAPIRO

Noah: "You worthless animal. You wrote a book? It's getting published? What the fuck is wrong with the world today. I assumed you'd eventually end up in a murder-suicide with Vanessa Abrams, or the Marilyn Monroe in Nate's political career, or something."
Dan: "I'm the kind of guy who describes his own work as 'scathing satire.'"
Noah: "So you know it's at Simon & Schuster, and that their phone number is in the phone book?"
Dan: "These are the things I know. I don't know what to do next with that info. Turns out I don't really want this book quashed because I thirst for success and in fact have been lying about it this entire time. But I don't know that yet. Really, what I want is validation. As usual."
Noah: "Let them publish it. You're a talentless freak who lives up your own asshole. At best you'll get one shot. Better to let it drown now, while you're still a teenager, before you actually start your career. This is my agent Alessandra."
Dan: "Alessandra, hello. Glad you have time to endlessly potter around Noah's office like this. You must be a really good agent. Anyway, Noah, if you are telling me to passively sit here and let this book be published -- despite my loud protestations to the contrary and my complete ability to deal with this problem immediately if I actually wanted to -- then that's what I'll do. I am a hipster who can't handle the concept of actually asking for anything."
Noah: "That little bastard. I am gonna Humphrey his ass so hard he won't know what hit him."

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