Rufus: "It's so hard having a pretend job producing some emo band!"
Lily: "It's so hard doing nothing all day except what I always do every day anyway!"
Rufus: "I'm just glad we got rid of most of our children."
Carol: "Hey, Lily. Have you talked to Cousin Peepers? She bounced a trust fund check in LA and I know it's actually Ivy that did that, so I'm using you to track down my partner in fraud."
Lily: "I'll ask Serena if she's seen her, she'll be home in a second. Momma's lonely and looking to decimate some self-esteem if at all possible. I haven't driven a child to suicide since we kicked two of our children out of the entire show, and Chuck's always so self-destructive it's no fun."
Carol: "Can I fly up and see you? I have no way of knowing Serena's brought my fake daughter back with her from LA, so there's literally no reason for me to do that."
Lily: "I don't like you and you're totally sketchy, but I guess I'm lonely enough. Are you feeling vulnerable and like being stuck in a gilded cage with me would push you over the edge? Because I could use the practice."
Carol: "Always. Plus your functioning relationship with our mother galls me to the bone. See you tonight!"
Dan: "Hey Blair, did you obey my instructions to the letter?"
Blair: "Yes. I am lying."
Dan: "I know you're lying, because I located you on GPS and have stalked you to this boutique. I'm getting really angry about your disobedience, in a passive-aggressive and controlling fashion that masquerades as friendship."
Blair: "I am so lost that I am actually grateful to you, as usual. I've never felt so close to Serena."
Gossip Girl: "Somebody is pregnant! And I know who it is, maybe."
Nate shows up to work and Diana Payne wants to fuck him in her office and he gets a bad feeling about once again being a whore, so -- and I am not exaggerating or confabulating this -- she abruptly fires the entire staff so that they can fuck on every surface, like any level-headed businesswoman would, and it's so goddamn stupid. I'm not saying it's unrealistic, of course. Just stupid.
FAMOUS CENTRAL PARK WEST OB-GYN
Dan: "Open that envelope! I'm projecting my own fears of success and failure and embarrassment about a made-up silly problem onto your very serious and personal life-altering transition, so I am going to act about as crazy as you usually do."
Blair: "Well, I am stuck between the nightmare that I think I might want and the fantasy life I've always dreamed of, so there's no reason for me to think about becoming a Powerful Woman or even think of dating you right now, at this point in the story. Please, tell me what to do and boss me around and act insufferable so I don't have to think or act of my own accord."
Dan: "I'm happy we are friends. I hope the baby is Louis's, I guess. Whatever would make you happy. The important thing is that I harass you into doing something you're not emotionally prepared to do yet."
Blair, verbatim: "You're right. I'll open it, immediately after my interview with Hello! magazine. I can't face the press if I've just heard unsettling news. I need to look like Grace Kelly, not Grace Coddington."