Ivy vanishes and Serena's lightly steamed and Lily completely forgets to mention the very important fact that Carol is right now flying to NYC for literally no reason at all.
Lady: "Prince Louis said he loves the importance of family in your life, one of the many things he has imagined to love about you. When are going to get knocked up? That's a sensible question to ask, months before your wedding, right?"
Blair: "You can't know this, but you're only asking because it's required of the plot to heap pressure on me about my secret pregnancy. As for the answer, I'm befuddled."
Lady: "Well, what he said is that you don't want kids yet and he's not ready to be a father."
Blair: "Well. Fuck it."
Dan: "Alessandra, hi. Imagine meeting you here, in one of your client's offices, alone, hours after you showed up. Are you sure you're actually an agent and not like a psychiatric patient?"
Alessandra: "In my case, it's kind of both. Allow me to draw a veil of conspiracy around your entire life, courtesy of Noah Shapiro. You are now, for all intents and purposes, in the Shpatrix."
Dan: "Okay, have you seen Noah?"
Alessandra: "No, I have no idea where he is. Instead of work, I just like to hang around in his office by myself and reveal his manuscripts to children and strangers. Like this one! Just picked up by Simon & Schuster. Inside."
Dan: "It is a scathing satire of the Upper East Side lifestyle?"
Alessandra: "That is actually its subtitle. Inside: A Scathing & Brilliant Satire Of The Upper East Side Lifestyle By One Who Has Lived It But Is Still Untainted Deep Within His Heart Because He Is Better Than Everybody."
Dan: "Since you asked, my hair looks so fucked up because I have lost about a hundred pounds and currently look like the ghost of a consumptive dandy."
Alessandra: "I didn't ask, but okay. I like it, very Jeff Buckley. Hang on, I have to take a pretend phone call! Sure, the author of Inside will be dining at Club A Steakhouse with various hangers-on, thanks for confirming. Now, did you overhear that? Sometimes grownups do shit like this."
Gossip Girl, verbatim: "Poor Lonelyboy. You just learned the true meaning of publish or perish."
Ivy: "Hey Max, you are the best thing on this entire show and leaving you for no reason whatsoever was kind of a bad call. I admit that now. I am currently at [address] but will soon be joining you in Portland. Please text in reply to this voicemail, then come looking for me."
Serena: "Peepers! Why are you getting in this cab?"
Ivy: "Your mom called me a hosebeast and I think she's maybe right."
The Tiny Gerbil In Serena's Mind: Spins so fast it throws sparks.
Serena: "Okay, but could you return these Jenny Packham tickets by hand for no real reason?"
Ivy: "Sure, I will do that for no reason."
Serena, smirking: "I am going to Humphrey you real good. Me and my Serena Schemes!"