Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Temper Trap

Two UES weeks ago, Serena thought long and hard about what to wear to jail and eventually decided to go with "Food Court Glam," for reasons that should be easily apparent. She decided once again that her mother was destroying the universe, and then Rufus jumped on board with turning Lily's entire house against her.

Otherwise, it was just mostly more of Dan's unending martyrdom to a cause that can barely remember his name most days, until eventually he and a similarly holiday-stranded Waldorf decided to go to the French monkey movies together, as sort of a Pyrrhic act of protest against the cruelties of life.

Now it's just the New Year, which Gossip Girl designates as a time to "donate that Fall wardrobe" and "present the world with a better version of you." That's a sentiment I can get behind, GG! Everybody's got internship fever except Chuck, who is a 40-year-old sot, and of course Serena, who has like four credit hours to her name. Oh, and Nate, who has imported his hot awful dad as a sort of white-collar crime refugee. With Dan and Blair both trying to forget they ever went on their BFF date -- and finding it difficult -- it seems everyone is even more distracted from reality than usual.

Wearing a truly adorable paillette-trimmed dress, Blair is more than a little happily surprised to see S back from her two-week mission, although she's about equally stressed between having accidentally dated Lonelyboy and the ridiculous outback-looking cowboy hat that S took with her on her journey. Why the accessorizing? Well, because Judge Stephens -- forger of affidavits, crony of Lily -- likes to go riding in Virginia sometimes. So S put her dumb hat on and went to his ranch, but he was not there. Knowing S's problems with being places ever, probably this took the full two weeks.

Then, back in Litchfield County, S put on a bustier and teased her hair up real high in order to quote "pull an Erin Brockovich" to get the court records. B immediately points out the irony there, considering public records are public, but S says the real irony is that they were in fact sealed, due to her being a minor at the time nothing actually happened. Somewhere up the river, non-rape victim Jenny Humphrey is like, "Yeah, prepare yourself to never hear the end of that one."

And what was Blair up to? "FUCKING NOTHING!" she squeals, and then comports herself: "I DID NOT GO ON A DATE WITH DAN HUMPHREY AFTER TOURING THE SEASIDE IN ADORABLE OUTFITS." One more try, Babydoll. "I SUPERVISED DOROTA TAKING DOWN THE CHRISTMAS TREE AND THE HANUKKAH BUSH AND THEN I SAT VERY STILL WITH JUST A GLASS OF WATER AND SOME MAGAZINES." Stealthy, stealthy moves the Waldorf.

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Gossip Girl

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