"No more just a minute. You fucked me today on something very important and you don't even care, because you're so stuck in Serena World you honestly think everybody gets one billion chances and free parking everywhere they go. So if you do this, that is you being an asshole. It is not about fair, it is not about your mother, it is about you doing something terrible for no reason." He invites her to leave with him -- which wouldn't you, wouldn't anybody, after a shitty lecture like that -- and of course she heads right up the stairs with her (his) envelope in hand, moving twice as fast because now also fuck Dan Humphrey.
Lily grabs Serena at the top of the stairs and Serena huffs, "That was a copy of the affidavit! So you can have Judge Stephens release Ben! And cancel the sale of Bass Industries! Or else I'll tell the 'reporter' the truth, and the Post will have a cover story!" Because the deal there is that the affidavit doesn't prove anything or really mean anything, it was just Chuck's plan to rattle Lily's cage by giving the "reporter" a taste. So the guy comes running and huffing up all full of integrity and whatever -- it's a fictional show -- and he's like, "Tell this 'Dan Humphrey' to shove his resume, I'm about to take up blogging full-time because by the way, print is dead."
Rufus gives Dan a big old shitty round of applause for once again undermining Serena in any way he can think of, and then walks the dude away to talk about how Dan's just looking for an internship, not a job. Which is sorta smooth. And but Lily finally has to say real talk to Serena for the first time in ever:
"Okay, so say you did this and then gave the interview if I called your bluff, then what? What happens then is, Mommy goes to jail, because it's not a situation where you choose to press charges, it's about falsifying legal documents. So yeah, Erin Brockovich, well played." And it's just so Lily that she doesn't even bother to spit, "PS, I totally already got your stupid boyfriend out of jail anyway, genius. Way to fuck me."
Nate's still up the Captain's ass about the job interview, and he also is being super cagey. Seems the "job interview" was for what he terms -- possibly this is literal -- a janitor's job, so he with his suit and tie joined a throng of subhuman ex-cons and he just couldn't handle it. Luckily, now he's schmoozing around the Thorpstravaganza, where the evil meet to sip and greet. "I'm going to make you proud of me," he promises, and Nate makes that hug-me-hard face. "That's what you said right before you got caught."