Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Temper Trap

Blair whooshes down beside Dan, and asks how come he's still there since he went huffing off ten minutes ago, and he's like, "Yeah, also they can't find my coat either. But on the upside, you're clearly not carrying Indra Nooyi's head as a trophy, so my guess is you owe me ten bucks." (He says the word "ten" in a very cutely douchy way that I can't otherwise describe.) On the other hand, Serena screwed Dan over twice today, so Dan owes B twenty bucks. They are so great. So great!

Dan asks her what's wrong, why did you just kick the coat-check girl's knee backwards like Nina Sayers, and Blair's like, "WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. But since we're totally friends and always have been, here's the whole deal: I kind of shit on my mom's life for no good reason." Dan points out that Eleanor is A) A Powerful Woman, B) Bitchy and abusive but also kind of cool, and C) Consider your area: "You care about fashion more than most people care about, uh... Well, anything. You used to send girls home crying from Constance for wearing tights as pants. You're an evil dictator of taste, Blair. Why deny that just because it's what your mother does?"

You can actually see him preen for coining that clever description -- but not as much as the writer of this episode's about to! -- and there's a bit more, but it's more of the same and not really as sparkling on paper as it is in their performances, because they rule.

Lily points out to her beloved Charles that she never lied to him -- which echoes weirdly and I think not for any real purpose or writerly intent off the repeated (ad nauseum, almost) assertion that Raina Thorpe never, ever lies, not ever ever -- and that she only let him believe it was Russell because it seemed to chill him out: "I needed to keep things smooth for another 24 hours so that this deal would close without incident."

Serena Brockovich strikes again! Because "somehow" (Russell) the secret buyer found out that Lily was at war with her children, and figured that once Lily and Chuck got into "a standoff" it would just queer the whole acquisition. I love that. "You people are such fucking Shakespearian drama queens I don't care what happens to your stupid company. I'm not getting in bed with alla that mess. Next thing you know it's gonna be wolves and car crashes and secret babies and I'm getting kidnapped to Russia? No sir."

"Pray it goes to someone who doesn't chop it up," says Lily, and then it goes to someone who is going to chop it up. I won't reproduce Russell Thorpe's speech here because it's long, and "clever," and I am not really buying Russell Thorpe for a second, but yeah: He's buying Bass, he's going to grind its bones to make his bread, and also he is moving back to NYC, and also have a hotdog because Chicago Chicago Chicago, and finally and most of all I will not recap this part because then Gossip Girl says this bullshit right here:

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Gossip Girl

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