Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Temper Trap

Serena wanders to Brooklyn, where Dan is forwarding all Vanessa's mail to her new address in Hell.

"Are we dating? Is this a date?" No, we are going to Family Brunch. "Do you have anything going on today that I can crash into like a freight train with giant boobs?" Yes, let me get you my agenda and you can just start crossing items off at your leisure. "Gosh, internships sure are important! At least for people who understand what college actually is." Are we dating? Is this is a date? "No, we are going to Family Brunch."

And guess who's at Family Brunch? The family, and yes they are still eating fucking waffles: Rufus and Eric flit across the scene like the Green Fairy and pull back the curtains to reveal Public Enemy #1 Lily van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey, sitting at the table enshrouded in beige and dark secrets, attended by dark goblins and sprites as befits the Queen of All Tears. Serena pops a button, nicking the ear of one evil elf.

B's bitches are having trouble tracking down Indra, even after a week, because it turns out PW6 is heading home to Chennai after only a couple days in the States. Blair's like, "Get me on her plane then, so I can go horrify India," but then Eleanor comes in railing at Laurel on the phone -- Kinda miss Laurel, don't you? And KC, too -- so they awkwardly hide the war room they've created in the front parlor (instead of, you know, somewhere private like Blair's entire wing of the house).

Eleanor tries to float the idea of Blair interning at Waldorf Designs, and B immediately spits on the marble floor in response. "I love fashion? Well, I also love a good pot-au-feu, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna build a career around it." Well, maybe a traveling Food Network reality show. You could call it Stewmasters, and punch people's crockpots out of their hands while cursing like Gordon Ramsey. "More like pot-au-fuck-you, ya donkey!"

Penelope makes the stinkface of all time while they're discussing Blair's disinterest in Waldorf, but B finally makes a somewhat valid point: That the people really jockeying for work at Waldorf are jerkoffs like Jenny Humphrey and Penelope herself. Then Dorota produces Indra's itinerary from some kind of wheezing clicking steampunk device called a "fax machine" --which from what my research has turned up apparently runs on coal and a handcrank and a "landline" which I don't even have time to explain -- only it's not Indra's itinerary, it's Eleanor's... But is really both, because turns out Indra is a new client, and needs dressing and styling for tonight's big Thorpapalooza. Blair's eyes start whirling and wheezing and clicking as she receives a fax from her worst qualities.

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Gossip Girl

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