Which means that Serena and Chuck are responding only to the outer narrative -- despite Lily's subtle hints that she's getting it all done behind their backs -- which makes them the Gossip Girls this week. So what seems to be a story about Obey Thy Mother & Trophy-Wife Father is actually about the dire shit that can happen when Lily acts like a Rhodes Woman instead of -- and I hate to say this -- authentically Humphrey. Being Rhodes through and through, both Eric and Serena have no choice but to second-guess her, and in the absence of info Chuck has no choice but to project his own Bart stuff onto Lily. And it all lines up perfectly on the Gossip level -- because Lily could never come out and say any of this -- which means for once Dan is right (if annoying) about being Dan, instead of dreadfully wrong like usual.
Serena's opening shot at brunch is ass-weak -- when Lily offers to put in a call to Condé Nast for Dan, she's all "Yeah, maybe you can forge a cover letter signature," like that makes any sense -- and then Lily tells her to cram it, she's fixing all the problems at once if you'll give it a second (totally true), so S huffs off, popping buttons. Things fall apart quickly, with Dan chasing sister-poon into the street and Eric leaving their parents to suck eggs, and then Rufus butlers off to get Milady her coat, leaving Lily alone. At which point she calls Judge Stephens and creepily says, "I hope you enjoyed your time in the city, but you can return to the ranch now. I'll take it from here."
Out on the street Serena informs Dan that she's the only one that can lob these pathetic word-grenades at Lily and hunt the Wild County Judge, because Ben is A) In jail and B) Would just result in getting Juliet imprisoned if he tried anything. You know, since Lily could always pull the "kidnapped and drugged my daughter" card. Dan's like, "Yeah, why again don't you seem to have a problem with that?" S, awesomely, is all, "Dan, have we met? So I got tied up. So I got roofied. For neither the first nor the last time in either case. Have we met? It will take more than that to sink this majestic vessel. Stop being so provincial."
Good point. Let's move on to whether or not we are doing it. Just as Dan's waggling his eyebrows at her and licking his own face, Chuck Bass appears out of nowhere wearing the most ridiculous-collared camel coat. (Chuck's like an angel, only instead of a bell ringing it's guys jamming their hands down their pants.) Dan tries to chase him off -- "Tryna get our sister into a brownstone vestibule here!" -- but once he spits out a rapid-fire tommygun summation of the solution (blackmail) to their problems, Serena is in.