Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Temper Trap

Dan shows up Chez Waldorf for the meetup with Serena that we all know will never happen, and B assumes he's there to pitch woo, but when he mentions Serena she just starts laughing in his face: "Well, she's not here to see you. Shocker. She's off scheming with Chuck. Disguises are involved, it can't end well."

Blair, come on. Serena + Disguises = 100% Magic Guaranteed. The very concept of Schemes was invented so we can watch Serena do them. But because the writers know we need maximum snarky cute banter to buy this storyline, the conversation between Dan and Blair -- like all conversations between them -- crackles with validly awesome, verbal swordplay.

"You do know that 'Powerful Woman' is not actually a career, right?" Neither is Serena van der Woodsen, but ten bucks says that you'll miss your interview waiting for her. Yet again. "Ten bucks whatever harebrained scheme you're cooking up blows up in your face, as per usual." Loitering lounge is upstairs. "Already there, sister." Git.

Way to allocate resources! I mean, if you could ever possibly believe that excellence is a finite resource, it would be best to put it right here, where you put it.

Eleanor walks in bitching at Laurel on the phone, possibly verbatim from the last scene, possibly the same footage for all I know, and Blair apologizes to her for demonstrating disrespect to Waldorf, with an eye toward starting her internship by dressing Indra Nooyi. Eleanor laughs in her face and fully hands her a gown meant for... Patti Blagojevich! (The relevance! Well. At least it wasn't that poor old Madoff beast.) "And you can style her, God knows she needs it." As a frequent punchline myself, I can tell you that this kind of thing hurts. Anyway, Eleanor's very pleased that Blair has deigned, and of course the second she's gone Blair starts moving Eleanor's schedule around so she can get Indra Nooyi naked and alone.

Serena-as-Lily-as-Kim Basinger-as-Kim Novak: "And who do we say you are? My son?"
Chuck: "Is it weird hearing you say that actually turns me on?"Jacob: "Same question, for the gentleman."

Having of course missed his internship audition, finding himself alone in his sister/lover's apartments, Lonelyboy takes off his grandfather's tie, and loops it around the closet rod, and then does one of two things.

Awesome song by Hundred In The Hands, and Chuck's immediately jealous of Serena's pile of the safety deposit stuff, because it includes "artful nudes" of Lily "in her groupie days." Before he can get super-weird, though, Chuck finds the smoking gun affidavit complete with signature, and we get the dialogic money shot you'll reliably get when Serena plays costumed French detective: "Any handwriting expert would be able to prove that this is not mine!"

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Gossip Girl




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