Blair: (Heads immediately and crazily out the door to help style the Rhodes Royalty shoot.)
Epperly: "But Chuck, why did you make me call Blair? She is a ticking time bomb!"
Chuck: "Because Blair needs to feel like a Powerful Woman, and is so bad about actually being a Powerful Woman that styling a cynical photo shoot about rich criminals might actually help. Then we will fall in love."
Epperly: "I am just about disengaged enough to indulge that nonsense ever since I went to Bali and fell in Love with Javier Bardem even though he distracted me from my constant Praying and Eating."
Aunt Carol is married to Toby in real life, was on Sisters in the last season, and was the hardcore nerd girl from the last year of Lost, and yet in none of these roles did she have the breathy, affected, obnoxious tone of voice she's working here: The resentful "I'm playing a socialite" timbre of a woman who thinks she's too good for Gossip Girl despite having ended up on Gossip Girl. Before even hearing this voice, Lily is downing Chardonnay. Afterward, we all will be.
Lily: "Going to jail is nothing compared to this betrayal, Mother."
CeCe: "She's your sister! Specifically the prodigal one that I love even more than the one who is meticulously playing out the life I determined for her in her crib."
Lily: "I hate her."
Carol, verbatim: "Hi, Sis! I always knew your house of cards would collapse eventually, but I never dreamed you'd actually wind up behind bars!"
Everybody: "Oh, it's because she's a bitch. Got it."
Carol: (Fifty bitchy things in a row. Even kicks the Rufus-puppy.)
Lily: "Whatever. I want to do a Dolce Vita theme for our Rhodes Women portrait, since I'll probably never see daylight again."
Carol: "No way, let's do Chicago. You could play Roxie Hart! Because she was in jail!"
Lily: "God, you are Abramsing out so hardcore right now."
Carol: "I have the upper moral hand!"
Lily: "Well, I have a portrait that documents my place in society."
Taschen: "No you don't. We just found out about your crimes."
Gossip Girl, verbatim: "Uh-oh, Lily! Looks like instead of being on the pages, you're about to have the book thrown at you..."