Serena's phone rings and it's Vanessa, and she does that awesome nose-wrinkling scoff she only does when Vanessa calls her, and this is the message:
"So I know you don't want to hear from me, but I had to share. Dan Humphrey kissed Blair Waldorf. You can confront them, they'll deny it. But it's true, I overheard them myself. And believe me, if I was lying just to mess with you, it wouldn't be something as unbelievable as this."
...Valid. The thing about Vanessa is that she's never not doing the right thing, and she's the most eloquent person on the show when she explains her reasons. And yet.
Everybody meets up for a Prada brunch, it having been 24 hours, and by "everybody" I mean "hardly anybody." Rufus and William are holding hands, Eric's weirded out, CeCe is bored of all their claptrap, and Carol and Lily are working things out. Who's not there: Pilot Inspektor, Chuck Bass, or anybody cool. That's when Charlie appears and says she's staying on the UES, hopefully in Serena's room at PRADA, so that she can get real weird.
Carol, verbatim: "Charlie, that's a mistake! What happened wasn't so long ago. You're not ready for this!"
Charlie: "I am. Because of you, I know who I am, and... Nothing's gonna change that. And thanks for supporting me."
(Serena escorts her to Jenny/Serena's old room, congratulating her on railroading poor dumb Aunt Carol into going back to Grey Gardens alone.)
Lily: "Hey, what's this about a 'thing' that happened? There's a 'thing'?"
Carol: "Yeah, a few months ago she got kicked out of college because..."
Lily: "Because what? She obsessed on Minka Kelly and tore out a girl's bellybutton ring with her teeth? Pretended she was carrying Dan's baby? Ran off to Haiti? Set a fashion designer's entire oeuvre on fire in an old barrel? I'm in suspense here, sis."
Carol: "Yeah, she actually... You know what, never mind. Just keep an eye on her."
Lily: "Totally. One thing we make sure to do in this house is supervise our children."
Raina: (Her mom is either dead or not dead; not even Nate can care.)
Gossip Girl, verbatim: "Walking down the primrose path, you risk finding hell instead of happily ever after."
No clue. No idea what that means.
Everybody in the "family," with the exception of half of the family, suddenly has to pull it together when Rufus appears with Laurie Simmons. CeCe sits down between William and Rufus, adorably, while Eric and Charlie get acquainted. Behind CeCe's hairdo, Eric and Dan link pinkies without looking at each other. Pilot Inspektor lies in a ditch somewhere, choking on his own blood. Jenny is jumping out of trees onto passersby somewhere upstate. Chuck stands very still and sad and scary all alone, looking at his portrait where he's standing very still and sad and scary and all alone. The phone rings: Lily's sentence. She lets it ring.