Serena fights her way through the cameras and hangers-on, shoving one tiny journalist out of the way with her huge giant fist while sweeping the double-doors open using only her shopping bags, disguised with a well-placed newspaper and uncharacteristic shyness around cameras.
Chuck: "Hey, how is our mom?"
Serena: "Going to the big house, probably. Are you coming for brunch?"
Chuck: "No, I'm not really a member of the family unless it's plot-related."
Serena: "How lonely for you. In more interesting news, did you know that CeCe and William are both here?"
Chuck: "Those are Rufus's two worst enemies!"
Serena: "Yeah, but think how weird it's going to be for me!"
Chuck: "Okay. Listen, have you heard from Blair?"
Serena: "She is chock full of malaise, I think. How come?"
Chuck: "She won't talk to me. Not like usually how she won't talk to me, but like specific to this episode."
Serena: "Expositionally speaking, I think it's because her Powerful Woman path hit a roadblock."
Chuck: "Okay, say hi to our mom."
Serena: "I'm sure she'll appreciate that."
Rufus: "Lily, stop looking at your Google Alerts. We are not a Real Housewife."
Lily: "Well, at least one of us isn't."
William: "Hey Rufus, care to bite my head off for no reason except the many horrible things I have done to you in the past?"
Rufus: (Snarls wildly; it is adorable.)
William: "Look, all I did was slowly poison your wife and turn our daughter into a high-class Snooki. None of this is my fault. Please stop being mean."
Lily: (Sides with William, of course.)
Rufus: (Whimpers; worries at his fleas.)
CeCe, verbatim: "Oh, darling! Oh, you look lovely in your mug shot. It was smart of you to turn yourself in, so you could make sure your hair was done."
Lily reveals that, instead of conferring with counsel or cutting a deal, she's going to be taking part in a Rhodes Women pictorial for the new Taschen book, Modern Royalty, meant to capitalize in a dying print market on the upcoming Royal Wedding you may have heard about. She actually refers to this business as "dignified," which shows you how fucked-up things have gotten.
Serena: "Hey, everybody! Hi, Dad, I hope Rufus isn't being mean to you about that time I had to chase your abandoning ass all over the world and steal a boat and a horse. Or that other time when you slowly poisoned my mother to death with the help of a brainwashed psychiatrist."
CeCe: "Oh, just in case Lily was planning on not hurling herself off a balcony, I've also invited your mother's nemesis, Aunt Carol. She's taking time off from teaching at the Vanessa Abrams School of Acting Like Vanessa Abrams."