Eric, Dressed Like A Total Humphrey Now As Per: "Dan, I love alphabetizing with you here, in abject squalor, more than anything -- but I wonder if you have any weird secrets or emotional baggage to unload all over me? Since my mom's going to jail and all, this should really be about you."
Dan: "Go ahead, twist my arm. But first, I have forgotten the fucking alphabet. Does William Carlos Williams go under 'W,' or any other letter of the alphabet?"
Eric: "Wow, your shit is dire right now. Thank God Serena hasn't called me to come support her in this time of chaos."
Dan: "Thank God we're both ignoring her phone calls, you mean!"
Dan: "You swear not to tell anyone or laugh?"
Eric: "I'll take your secret to my grave, but laughter is an uncontrollable bodily response."
Dan: (Tickles Eric until he nearly pees. They lie there in a heap of cheekbones and pecs.)
Dan: "I kissed Blair Waldorf."
(The usual Dan Humphrey Word Vomit.)
Eric: "Okay, not really into listening to you rationalize this for a million years. How about we address the fact that somehow this makes me feel like your life is imperiled?"
Dan: "Yeah, I know what you mean. I just wish I knew if she liked me, you know, 'in that way.'"
Eric: "Oh! You are ass-backwards crushing on Blair Waldorf!"
Dan: "Oh! You just made up a phrase that already means something different! Very fetch, Cher Horowitz."
Blair: "I have consumption."
Dorota: "Consumption not since 19th century. They have vaccine."
Blair: (Actually does mention malaise.)
Dorota: (Compares her to Edie Falco somehow.)
Epperly: "Hey Blair, I know I fired you a couple of times and then recommended you for a high-powered job that you torpedoed, but you still seem like a reliable worker to me."
Blair: "Is this a trick?"
Epperly: "It's all a trick! This is show biz!"
Blair: (Heads immediately and crazily out the door to help style the Rhodes Royalty shoot.)
Epperly: "But Chuck, why did you make me call Blair? She is a ticking time bomb!"
Chuck: "Because Blair needs to feel like a Powerful Woman, and is so bad about actually being a Powerful Woman that styling a cynical photo shoot about rich criminals might actually help. Then we will fall in love."
Epperly: "I am just about disengaged enough to indulge that nonsense ever since I went to Bali and fell in Love with Javier Bardem even though he distracted me from my constant Praying and Eating."