Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Through Every Open Door

Aunt Carol is married to Toby in real life, was on Sisters in the last season, and was the hardcore nerd girl from the last year of Lost, and yet in none of these roles did she have the breathy, affected, obnoxious tone of voice she's working here: The resentful "I'm playing a socialite" timbre of a woman who thinks she's too good for Gossip Girl despite having ended up on Gossip Girl. Before even hearing this voice, Lily is downing Chardonnay. Afterward, we all will be.

Lily: "Going to jail is nothing compared to this betrayal, Mother."
CeCe: "She's your sister! Specifically the prodigal one that I love even more than the one who is meticulously playing out the life I determined for her in her crib."
Lily: "I hate her."
Everybody: "Why?"
Carol, verbatim: "Hi, Sis! I always knew your house of cards would collapse eventually, but I never dreamed you'd actually wind up behind bars!"
Everybody: "Oh, it's because she's a bitch. Got it."

Carol: (Fifty bitchy things in a row. Even kicks the Rufus-puppy.)

Lily: "Whatever. I want to do a Dolce Vita theme for our Rhodes Women portrait, since I'll probably never see daylight again."
Carol: "No way, let's do Chicago. You could play Roxie Hart! Because she was in jail!"
Lily: "God, you are Abramsing out so hardcore right now."
Carol: "I have the upper moral hand!"
Lily: "Well, I have a portrait that documents my place in society."
Taschen: "No you don't. We just found out about your crimes."
Gossip Girl, verbatim: "Uh-oh, Lily! Looks like instead of being on the pages, you're about to have the book thrown at you..."

What the fuck is Gossip Girl talking about most of the time?

DOWNSTAIRS

Waif: "Hey, are you Serena?"
Serena: "No, I'm the girl getting a cab and jetting the hell on out of here."
Waif: "I'm your cousin Charlotte, I'm here to stalk you and dose you with U4EA and set fire to the homecoming float."
Serena: "I haven't been stalked by any secretly crazy people from my past in about ten minutes, so this is awesome! Come on, I owe you a coffee before the stalking starts."

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Gossip Girl

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