Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Through Every Open Door

Blair, verbatim: "Fut The Wuck is she doing here?"
(Chonks a lapdog at her face.)
Vanessa: "I'm only here to make money for Raman and other sad poor-people food. I go to NYU and wear only rags. One day I will start a rooftop garden and eat as many leeks as I want, but for now it's just these paltry jobs doing photography for Taschen. I am saving for a chicken."

Charlie: "Thanks for all the things you keep buying me!"
Serena: "It's how we express affection. You'll see! Take this necklace from around my neck!"
Charlie: "Will it magically confer on me the ability to assume your likeness?"
Serena: "No! What an odd thing to ask. Anyway, let's go buy more objects."

Aunt Carol says awful shit like: "You might be Upper East Side blueblood, and I might be Florida bohemian, but at bottom, the Rhodes sisters are still badasses from the Valley."

Meanwhile, Lily says awesome shit like: "Rufus! Yeah, we found leg warmers! ...No, I'm not drunk! Although..."

The photo shoot is back on before you can say "split of chardonnay," but then who should appear but Charlie and Serena, looking similar.

Charlie: "Mom in a unitard. Awesome."
Carol: "Charlotte, what are you doing in New York City? I locked you in the houseboat on purpose! Go do your worksheets! And take your pills!"
Charlie: "You are not my supervisor!"

DUMBO

Chuck shows up at Dan's door, weirding them both out. He quickly ascertains that the Kisser in question of his little honey is none other than Dan Humphrey, which raises his gorge among other things, and in the process convinces Dan that Blair is in love with him or some such. Dan tells Chuck to let her figure out her mystery feelings, and says things like, "She's intelligent. She's intuitive, you know? She... Weeps when she watches Nights of Cabiria" -- which is a movie about a hooker that is constantly getting pushed out of windows and chopped up by her boyfriends until one day she meets a bunch of kids on skateboards and they have a parade, the end -- so Chuck calls Epperly back so they can do even more schemes.

Seeing Charlie in clothes that she neither made herself nor fought a hobo to get, Carol loses her fucking mind and pretty much calls Serena a whore on the way to demanding that Charlie give up all her wonderful gowns and precious emeralds and what have you. She won't even stay for the photograph, such is the state of her ire and general moral rectitude.

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Gossip Girl

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