Shocker #1: Dan and Vanessa cancel each other out! They are awesome throughout the entire episode as they farce around about their fake dates -- Gay Paul Hoffman was secretly dumped a while back, apparently -- and have secret mojito-fueled makeouts, eventually do it without a third party, and finally decide to date. Of course the real fun will be watching them fuck it up, but in the meantime they are the Golden Couple of the Week. Believable, funny, sexy and sweet.
Shocker #2: Of all the ways for Rufus and Lily to find out about Little J's drug-muling, you might not have expected her to tell them herself. To tell the truth, I've watched the episode three times and I still can't figure out why she did it, or what she's up to right now. Essentially, Lily thinks Jenny and Damien slept together, giving Rufus an "excuse" to pack up his remaining child and hightail it back to DUMBO, with some nasty bitching about Lily, her family and her entire life thrown in for Humphrey measure. So but Jenny throws the pills on the floor! And yells! But then Damien tells this story about his dad's drug use which does nothing and might even be true, and then they're dating or whatever, and then I guess Jenny runs away or something. This whole part of the episode is really confusing. I think we need some Eric STAT. Or maybe Agnes.
Meanwhile Lily's bummed about her loser husband making his disappearance official until Vanya shows up with Rufus's scarf, which was left in the apartment of that lady he might sleep with, so now I guess they're even since they both didn't do anything. It doesn't really matter because Rufus is sucking even more than usual, and Lily is totally boring now that she is only secrets and we don't even get to know what they are.
Best Shocker is #3, though: Chuck, Serena, Blair and Nate are all old friends. You might not know that because they don't ever talk to each other, but this is one of those rare beautiful episodes where the Non-Judgmental Breakfast Club comes together to protect one of their own.
In this case, of course, Chuck. Serena (and a reluctant, bumbling Nate) manages to stick her big old face up in Bass business, forcing him to communicate with the weird lady who might be his mother. Of course, this plan is convoluted and strange and takes up the entire episode, but with magical results. Confronted with this abrupt about-face in Serena's general lack of caring about anybody else's shit causes Blair to flip into the Serena role, supporting Chuck wholeheartedly without even a hint of scheming or lying or secret beartraps or nagging or mentioning her bizarre fantasy life.
But she's not done! Batting an emotional thousand, B gets Serena to recognize almost instantly that she's only into Chuck's mommy issues because of What Happened In Santorini -- her extensive issues with her mum and Dr. van der Woodsen -- and Nate subsequently talks Serena into dumping her whole daddy thing, while Chuck finally lets the weird lady into his life, and we learn that she may or may not have decided Chuck should hate her/think she was dead rather than be married to Bart. I'm sure there's more to it -- in fact, I'm sure none of this is true, or at least not in the way she presented it -- but I can see her point. He was a tough hang. And anyway it's just beautiful, the whole thing -- even with the disconcerting lack of Final Party, for I think the first episode ever. Next week they'll probably have ten brunches and a Winter Formal just to make up for it.
This season is just piling on the reasons why high school shows shouldn't graduate.
Damien shows up in Jenny's bedroom making cutie-pie faces and acting like they're dating, or whatever. Turns out Lily's been sleeping until noon and thus won't notice a little early-morning neck-nuzzling. Jenny's been on fire about their "date" and thinks any number of inappropriately grown-up Italian places might work, but Damien has another idea: The Endless Knights Trilogy, starring Olivia's boobs. Um, are you going on a date with Nate?
Nope, turns out this too is age-inappropriate, as instead of containing the adventures of Vampire Guinevere and her Vampire Round Table or whatever the hell, the DVD case contains a huge array of brightly colored, delicious-looking pills! (Um, are you going on a date with Nate's Mom?) Jenny's like, "Right, we're not dating, I'm your drug mule." Damien acts like this is adorable, and nuzzles away, but then his dad calls and he's actually attractive for like five seconds before sighing and answering, telling his dad he's just "with a friend." Jenny, who is a Humphrey, which means "sometimes is cool and sometimes is just clueless in a way that ruins fucking everything," pulls all manner of faces at Damien's brutal not-telling his dad about his not-girlfriend and their non-relationship. Instead of indulging this Humphrey bullshit, Damien's like, "So can I stash these pills at your underage house until tonight?" And of course Jenny is like, "That's kind of like being a grownup in a relationship, based on what my idiotic forebears have modeled for me, so yes."
They eat more motherfucking waffles on this show... I think before the Humphreys started getting their stuff all over everybody, the UES was free of waffles, as of all carbohydrates, but now it's waffletown. This time it's Nate, while Serena prowls around Nate/Chuck's house in a gigantic man shirt. Now, she's bigger than every other guy on this show, and Nate is smaller than every other girl on this show, so I ask you: Whence this shirt, which hangs off her like a real boyfriend's would? And color-coordinated, no less, with her leg warmers? How does she get by in these costumes? I'll tell you: She looks fabulous in them, is how. So she grabs at Nate's waffles -- literal -- and he tells her to use a plate, so she responds by grabbing his waffles -- figurative -- and then they fuck on every possible surface, including the entire contents of the refrigerator -- including the huge mixing bowl of freshly whipped cream just hanging out in there next to the strawberries -- and finally collapse on the floor, where it will now be known by its new name, Breast Central.