Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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At Least We Burn Trying

Rufus starts yelling at Lily straightaway, heading right into "Jenny is not Serena!" territory, which is so shocking Lily can't muster more than a "fuck you did?" look, and Rufus lectures everybody on how parenthood works, and Jenny tries to tell him to chill, but Damien Eddie Haskells himself on in there with all kinds of "we just fell asleep, I know how it looks" bullshit, and not even Rufus is buying. Suddenly, he's thundering in a whole other direction about how Jenny needs to pack her bags because he has to get her away from Lily's UES influence and all this insulting jazz, and there's teen screaming, and the whole time Lily is vaguely trying to calm him down, but he's not having it. He takes off to get his own shit while Jenny's packing up, and once again Lily can't believe what a baby he's being, but can't really defend against it either, so she settles for a mean look at Damien and maybe some wine.

And one of the greatest things about this amazing episode is how Themselves everybody is being. This is the gold standard: Lily in the wreckage of her life, trying to hold onto the pieces without knowing how; Rufus whining and using every weapon he's got the second he can and justifying everything so he can be both a boy and what he thinks a man is; Dan and Vanessa being so realistic dorky and human that it is painful and also great; Serena trying to fix everything so she can fix herself; Nate being pretty; Blair inventing new ways to be fiercely loyal; Chuck trying to figure himself out underneath the tremendous weight of other people's burdens... I mean, it's brilliant. It's so smooth you don't even notice how smooth it is, like that pair of worn-in jeans that feels like butter but still makes your ass look good.

Dan, looking like about one million sex, runs into Vanessa -- Paul's off being gay, Melissa is off salsa dancing, so, same deal -- who's carrying drinks and still acknowledging the total weirdness of this. He drags her off to the plywood photo op ("What could be friendlier than taking a mock photo?") and in the tight space behind they find themselves abruptly kissing, and it's totally awesome. (How does this happen? I love them so much right now!) and then they get weird some more and stick their faces out of the holes and he's the girl and she's the bodybuilder and they are both so, so miserable. It is epic.

S and Nate join Blair and Chuck at the bar, having made reservations at a Greek restaurant, and he's softened enough that he agrees to go with them. Blair is proud of them for being soft on him, like her, and Blair smiles sweetly to herself, thinking she's solved this problem, like it's her reward for acting against her natural impulse to fuss and meddle, and they go ahead. But Nate and Serena have clearly hatched something that makes even GG nervous: "It's his mother," Serena whispers. "You know Chuck, he just needs a little push." When S makes the plan, that's when shit gets insane. And now with extra Nate power? They're going to end up in a gunfight or something, I just know it.

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Gossip Girl

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