Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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At Least We Burn Trying

Blair stares at S and Nate for about three seconds at the restaurant before reading their minds and knowing for sure that they have schemed a scheme, and then Elizabeth walks in and S eyebrows in her direction. Chuck sees her, makes to pounce on Blair -- who is aghast, because of course this is the one time she didn't -- and Serena tells him he's making a huge mistake and needs to talk to the lady. Blair is, once again, wonderful: "That's it. Let's go."

Serena begs B to chill, reiterating that Chuck will always wonder, and eventually this will end with stealing a boat in Santorini or stealing a horse and blowing Carter Baizen in a wooded area, so he better go over there. "Whatever she has to say, it's better than not knowing," she says, and Nate nods sagely. If anybody would know about pulling off the parental band-aid, it's Nate. Serena begs her brother with her eyes, and finally he stands up. Blair's mad because she wasn't the fixer after all, and Serena is a little bit terrified of her, but most of all Blair is so worried for him it makes her blurry.

Back at the awful party, Paul and Melissa have figured out what tremendous beards they are and therefore what tremendous douches Vanessa and Daniel actually are, which is fun. Paul and Melissa vanish to go drink mojitos and salsa dance and have a loveless marriage, and Paul -- such drama, such exit lines -- goes, "We get it, even if you don't. And whatever's going on between you two... Either do something about it or don't do something about it, but please, don't bring normal people into whatever this is." My crush on Big Gay Paul Hoffman was as short as it was unexpected. Vanessa says, in the understatement of the semester, "This was a mistake." I can only assume she means, "Having a threesome with a movie star and then acting it out onstage in front of the entire drama department and then dating a gay man to fool my best friend into being less in love with me... Was a mistake."

While Chuck snarls at Elizabeth about how he was tricked and how Serena will be murdered soon, Blair's all worried and Serena's all hopeful, and Blair tells her to shut up and eat her spanakopita. (Oh, you know what I need? Some spanakopita. Be right back.) That's about the time that Chuck whips out the checkbook, horrifying Serena and Blair both, but as Serena prepares to rush in and fix the story, Blair is again awesome: "Serena. Sit your ass down." I love this side of her so much. Elizabeth is grossed out/wowed by the check, while Chuck explains that what he's buying is the privilege of not hearing her story: She will vanish. She's touched/relieved by this, considers for a long time, and then decides to let him hate her forever/take the money and run.

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Gossip Girl

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