Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | 2 USERS: A+
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The Infernal Desire Machines Of Paul Hoffman
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Dan Humphrey is a nozzle away, walking down the street like a stud in a four-way splitscreen, including flirting with a blonde/brunette pair because he's decided that's what everything is about. Gossip Girl is and will continue trying to make fetch happen in this episode by making endless weird (Is It 2003 Already?) references to JT LeRoy or Glenn Frey of the Eagles or The Education Of Little Tree or whatever the fuck, it doesn't work, it's stupid, and it has nothing to do with the story. You could plop this bizzle down in any episode and it would make just as much sense. So Gossip Girl, you out this week. Also, if you can't even pronounce James Frey's name correctly, stop acting like you know him. You don't know him. He is essentially unknowable.

But where literary hoaxsters are veiled in a veil of veilness, Dan Humphrey is the exact opposite, of course. Which is why he is a shitty writer, but is being kind of awesome today. He goes, "Top of the mornin'!" to a lady. The reason for all this, this smearing his Humphrey all over a sunny bright morning like a child with its first birthday cake, is that he spent last night (we think at this point, but this episode has one of the bendier timelines even for this show, so who really knows, he could have been acting like this for a solid week no problem) with not one but two ladies. And lo, simultaneity was achieved. His horny fake memories even have a soundtrack, provided by thecockandbullkid.

As long as there are boys there will always be girls
And as long as there are girls there will always be trouble

So Vanessa looked totally glamorous, and she was on top of him, and then right next to her was Olivia, looking rather dignified, and then they unbuttoned his imaginary shirt together and then kissed for his benefit and then boxed each other out hardcore. His horny face is very compelling, in the dream fantasy memory montage of unrealness. Then in real life he does a little dance and high-fives a man who will hate anonymous Dan for the rest of his bitter life because one man's high-five is another man's why did you just hit me.

Meanwhile, Blair is not answering Serena's calls nor is she listening to the panicked voicemails Serena has been leaving her. You will recall, Reader, how it was that Blair came to find herself face-down in a cake with political ties and aspirations, but eventually allowed herself to get stuck on an elevator with her boozy bestie and reconcile, only to have S shoo her out of the room the first second she could like a big baby girl just because a married congressman was fondling her Hamptons Potato Sack Race Memorabilia. This is S's thirtieth message, and like the twenty-nine before it focuses on the idea that Tripp did not ever get any further than her thickly muscled wrist... And shan't.

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Gossip Girl

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