Um, what the eff was that? I can't even formulate, like, a strategy to... This is what it was like.
1. The Good: Jenny falls in with a Belgian drug dealer cartel and is rescued by big brother Chuck, who literally goes, "Remember how I tried to rape you? This is the kind of shit I was talking about."
2. The Pretty Great: Lady Gaga slumming it "Bad Romance" style in one of the dumbest episodes of the season. Also, Blair's erratic psychic powers correctly give her a pre-judge grudge: she's actually mad at Serena in the present, for stupid shit she's only brazenly and openly planning on doing to Tripp in the near future. Oh, and every weird sex thing we ever thought Nate was into? He has a graduate degree in it. All of them. Dirty secrets drop like jewels from his lips the entire episode.
3. So Very Relatable: Jenny Humphrey will now become a part of NYC's thriving international drug smuggling scene, even though A) Dude looks an inbred gargoyle carved from inbred stone and B) Jenny Humphrey is in high school.
4. Executive Realness: So Nate takes S on a pub crawl to keep her mind off Tripp, almost remembers somewhere in his brain that he's in love with her, then loses her again to Tripp after his dumb mom tells Tripp about Maureen's duplicity. Finally without a babysitter for the first time in weeks, Serena immediately grabs Tripp by his married congressman face and they do it like they should have done it weeks ago, but even harder and with even more reckless abandon.
5. Unholy: Blair wants to impress the Tisch kids, so Cyrus Rose gets Gaga to give a secret show of like one song. One of the gay Tischer boys is now into Vanessa, which is too bad, because Olivia has decided that Dan is secretly into Vanessa because of his body language while they were all fucking each other last week. She convinces Dan that this is the case, and then exits our show. So now Dan likes Vanessa, who is not into it, which is a thrilling reversal, but not as thrilling as if she'd run them both down with a car, or as surprising as if she'd sucked on their blood because surprise! Vampires are real. That would have been something.
6. Shameful For All Of Us: Also, Dan writes this godawful play and the three of them (and Blair and her bitches) perform it for the Tisch kids and it's the most retarded thing ever (except for one fight where Olivia and Vanessa keep yelling about how "you boxed me out" and "no, you're always boxing me out," and it's all the word "box" like a hundred times and it's amazing, and then Blair figures out they had a threesome and blackmails everybody -- this was all very awesome). But the "play"... we don't need to discuss it further except to say that dwarf basketball players have no place on the UES, dancing or otherwise. This isn't fucking Scrubs.
In Two Weeks: Maureen van der Bilt Must Pie.
Dan Humphrey is a nozzle away, walking down the street like a stud in a four-way splitscreen, including flirting with a blonde/brunette pair because he's decided that's what everything is about. Gossip Girl is and will continue trying to make fetch happen in this episode by making endless weird (Is It 2003 Already?) references to JT LeRoy or Glenn Frey of the Eagles or The Education Of Little Tree or whatever the fuck, it doesn't work, it's stupid, and it has nothing to do with the story. You could plop this bizzle down in any episode and it would make just as much sense. So Gossip Girl, you out this week. Also, if you can't even pronounce James Frey's name correctly, stop acting like you know him. You don't know him. He is essentially unknowable.
But where literary hoaxsters are veiled in a veil of veilness, Dan Humphrey is the exact opposite, of course. Which is why he is a shitty writer, but is being kind of awesome today. He goes, "Top of the mornin'!" to a lady. The reason for all this, this smearing his Humphrey all over a sunny bright morning like a child with its first birthday cake, is that he spent last night (we think at this point, but this episode has one of the bendier timelines even for this show, so who really knows, he could have been acting like this for a solid week no problem) with not one but two ladies. And lo, simultaneity was achieved. His horny fake memories even have a soundtrack, provided by thecockandbullkid.
As long as there are boys there will always be girls
And as long as there are girls there will always be trouble
So Vanessa looked totally glamorous, and she was on top of him, and then right next to her was Olivia, looking rather dignified, and then they unbuttoned his imaginary shirt together and then kissed for his benefit and then boxed each other out hardcore. His horny face is very compelling, in the dream fantasy memory montage of unrealness. Then in real life he does a little dance and high-fives a man who will hate anonymous Dan for the rest of his bitter life because one man's high-five is another man's why did you just hit me.
Meanwhile, Blair is not answering Serena's calls nor is she listening to the panicked voicemails Serena has been leaving her. You will recall, Reader, how it was that Blair came to find herself face-down in a cake with political ties and aspirations, but eventually allowed herself to get stuck on an elevator with her boozy bestie and reconcile, only to have S shoo her out of the room the first second she could like a big baby girl just because a married congressman was fondling her Hamptons Potato Sack Race Memorabilia. This is S's thirtieth message, and like the twenty-nine before it focuses on the idea that Tripp did not ever get any further than her thickly muscled wrist... And shan't.