Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | 2 USERS: A+
The Infernal Desire Machines Of Paul Hoffman

Dan is getting into the spirit of being a fly by the seat of one's pantser when Blair drops from the ceiling holding a knife between her teeth and says they have to do Snow White for their fairytale. No reason. Also, she is in charge of the whole thing, and Olivia knows this, and also it must incorporate Gaga. Dan's terrified balls shrivel like the Witch of the East and he starts screaming about how O tricked him into boxing Vanessa out so that he could write a Snow White/Lady Gaga musical to be produced by and directed by and starring the mentally unstable Blair Waldorf, who acts totally freaky and awesome throughout this scene. Olivia scrambles madly to placate him, even admitting that Blair's ideas are "kind of out of the box," because she's got box -- what's in them and what is without -- on the brain! But whatever, she boxes Vanessa out right to Dan's box and says V doesn't give a box about Steven Patrick Morrissey and she's totally chill with getting boxed out so hardcore. Dan bites his lip and feels this tremendous and building pressure from all sides like, one might say, a mime in a box.

Chuck's ultraprofessional voicemail greeting: "Leave a message, and I might listen to it." Jenny screams into the phone that Chuck has saddled her with a cretin and that she has been fooled once again by Chuck's mesmerism. "This Belgian bore has been playing in the Park for the past half-hour with his dinghy! I have a reputation." Yeah, for kindness and taking angels to the zoo. "What now? Balloon animals? By the way, you took the wrong boat," she says, wondering if she needs to tie his weird-smelling shoes for him as well, and he's like, "Duh that was totally a drug deal and I am a drug smuggler and you didn't even know it but I just sold a shitload of E right in front of you, but by all means let's go impress high school girls." Meaning, of course, that there is a level of Over It that Jenny didn't know about until just now, and the discovery of new levels of Over It are to Little J a Batsignal of sorts.

Dan calls and whines at Nate about how Olivia and Vanessa are constantly boxing each other out and Nate says this is inevitable: "Post-Threesome Stage One, wherein one if not both girls try to prove to the other who you belong to." There's something sneering and lady-hatey about this but I can't put my finger on it, because after all bitches do love to fight with each other, but the original bitches that do this are Chuck and Nate, so maybe it's nothing. Maybe my brain just doesn't have the ability to accept the idea that anybody would want to own Dan Humphrey on any level. To own a boy is to be owned by that boy, and I theoretically would rather die than enter into that infernal negotiation with the Humphries of the world. (And yet.)

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Gossip Girl




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