Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Song Is The Boy

Out in the hall, Dan's trials have only begun. Serena catches him on his walk of shame, and he makes up some lie about how Vanessa makes you take yours shoes off now. Which is believable, but then why is he also unbuttoned in the shirt area? Vanessa opens her door, which is at the end of the hall, and says hey; Serena starts laughing and looks around at the door Dan was exiting. Vanessa and Serena's jaws drop. "Please tell me it was Blair and not Georgina," says Serena, who's been down this road before. "Please tell me it was Georgina and not Blair," says Vanessa, who clearly likes to keep it in the family. Dan protests that he doesn't want to discuss it...

Cut immediately to Dan on the floor of Vanessa's room, discussing it. Her room is very Vanessa. The chalkboard on the inside side of the door says, "For what is -- Thanks! For what is to come: YES!" Which would be obnoxious, but paradoxically is okay, because Vanessa has been in training to be a college freshman her entire life. Dan talks about the surveillance culture and how fucking Georgina in secret is way less real than fucking her in public. Serena, whose entire character is about that, totally gets it. Vanessa, whose entire character is respectively like so, chimes in: "College is time for experimentation! Psychedelic drugs! Ethnic food!" Serena points out that this time, Lonelyboy's "experimenting" with a girl who sucked his dick under a fake name while trying to drive his girlfriend actually insane, but the way she says it is adorable.

Leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling in shame, Dan asks his sister-ladies what the punishment is going to be, and they laugh and say they're just going to make fun of him. "But without judgment," Serena of course clarifies, "Because who doesn't have a Georgina in their closet, right?" (And that's when Georgina leaps out of Vanessa's closet wearing a Scream mask and kills Vanessa to death.) Serena stands up and carelessly, beautifully goes, "Okay. I was coming to see Blair, but now that she's not here, uh, you want to button up and come with me, tiger?" Heh. Vanessa invites herself along, and mentions getting Scott from his Comp Theory seminar, and Dan mentions that Georgina's friend mentioned that the Comp Theory seminar is in the afternoon.

(I love this episode greatly, but it hinges on two things: 1) Dan's weird recall of meaningless facts, and 2) Serena figuring out shit that the audience can't even figure out. As a Team Serena diehard, I enjoy the episode because it says out loud what the show usually says quietly -- that Serena is a grown-ass woman who happens to be really good at pretending to be a brainless forest fairy, because that's where her power is located -- but the clues themselves, for us, range from poorly expressed to straight-up Orient Express Machina. Also, 3) everybody in New York apparently prefaces every sentence with, "Piece of advice?" And 4) it's possible to make Blair Waldorf look fucking hideous.)

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Gossip Girl

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