Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Song Is The Boy

Blair nods: "I'm more of a Helmut Newton girl myself, but they want vintage McMullan. Who am I to argue?" Chuck explains how it's a photo of Sean MacPherson, and he has to show "respect for his history" if he's going to get into the demimonde world where people don't worry about the "raucous element" that gives Chuck life: If he can still be Chuck while becoming Bart, he can both have his integrity and honor his father's memory. Last year taught us that it can't be one or the other -- he can't fill Bart's shoes, but he can't do otherwise -- so the only way Chuck can be saved is if he finds a way to make Victrola 2.0 work. Which means finding a partner who can play the Serena game, where your bad acts are adorable instead of criminal. "Show him 'respect'? He's a club owner, not a mafia don," Blair says, which shows a serious misunderstanding of what those words mean. Chuck blows her off -- "You can buy your Table People a wonderful Henry Diltz" -- and she reacts as anyone would, telling him to suck it. He caresses her face and tells her it's his needs over hers, and all she can do is threaten to withhold sex, which is what he's already doing.

Scott arrives at Vanessa's dorm, and she pushes him -- again -- back past the threshold. "I like you," she starts, and he says he likes her too, but she won't be interrupted: "That's why I'm gonna give you thirty seconds to explain why there's no Scott Adler enrolled at NYU." He hems and haws and then abruptly goes, "I'm Rufus and Lily's son!" And she awesomely stares at him: "Oh my God."

"And -- you just wanted to see the room, didn't you? That's why you came back."

"Yes."

"Well --" indefinitely -- "I guess you've seen it now."

Scott explains that the Rossons told him he was adopted back in middle school, but he didn't seek out his birth parents until last year. They told him, remember, that the birth parents didn't want to know about it. "They lied to you, Scott. Rufus and Lily went looking for you, and your parents said that you were dead." Scott's surprised; they review the exposition together: How they said he was killed in a boating accident, but that was his younger brother Andrew, etc. Vanessa, whose ethic is always one of inconvenient truthiness, advises him to tell Rufus immediately. Which is one of Vanessa's few good ideas, because the truth is that Scott is being hella creepy.

Scott says he wants to talk to his family first, and tells Vanessa that she can't say anything about it before he does, because she has feelings for him. She goes for it, despite the fact that any rational person would have processed by now that the worst part of his scheme would be how he's whoring her out, but whatever. I'm sure they have actual feelings for each other, despite Vanessa being the worst person on Earth and Scott having no discernable qualities whatsoever, so it's okay. Most couples are like that in real life anyway.

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Gossip Girl

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