Oh, Thanksgiving with Allison Humphrey, how I do love you. Boring Serena and Aaron decide to be monogamous, but there's an asterisk relating to the fact that he's really only dating high school girls because he's trying to stay on the wagon. Instead of being totally creeped out, Serena totally lies and says her party girl days are well in her past. The entire UES makes time to laugh in her face about this at one point or another in the episode, and she does secretly think it's pretty fucking ridiculous herself. Dan spills a portion of the beans about Serena's history, and Aaron realizes he's getting played.
After Bart Bass executes an insanely hilarious knowledge of Eric's boyfriend's doings, Chuck shows him Bart's vault (literal) of intelligence on everyone in the family. Included in the files is the fact that Lily spent some time institutionalized herself, but never told Eric. Not even Bart knows why! Lily's grossed out by the fact that Bart's keeping tabs on their children, and takes Eric to Rufus's place (of course) for Thanksgiving, which causes jealous Bart to delve twice as hard into her mysterious past. Serena gives Aaron her file, but he refuses to read it, and they kiss and whatever.
Turns out Nate's father is planning on taking the family to Dominica just long enough to extort money from Anne's family, which kidnapping and hostage-taking Nate is able to convince the Captain is literally the worst thing he will ever do, and eventually sees his Dad safely and willingly into custody. He spends the whole time crying and acting his ass off, and actually pretty much rules the episode.
And of course there's Eric, who always rocks, and has been harboring Jenny in secret for the last week. When Rufus finds out, Lily tells him she'll go on keeping her until he gets it together. A well-meaning talk with Little J goes nowhere, but when Lily finds her emancipation paperwork she steps it up and makes them work it out. Jenny finally comes home, apologizes to Vanessa for kissing Nate, and everything's fine.
Except Vanessa, who's spent the entire day getting Chuck, Nate and the FBI in the same room. Fresh from a sweet reconciliation with Nate, Vanessa finds and -- freakin' of course -- reads the letter Nate wrote to Jenny when Dan kicked him out of the DUMBO loft. So now like some kind of retarded love triangle will happen, but I don't care because I love Nate and I know the show hates Vanessa as much or more than we do.
But enough about her. As is usual around this time of the year, Blair goes completely off her chain, kidnapping Dorota and taking to the streets! After a day spent feeding ducks and resenting the shit out of everybody, she finally lets Eleanor take them home, where papa Harold (!) is waiting to give his blessing to Eleanor and Cyrus's nuptials (!!) and bring Blair that fucking pie she talks about every year.
Next week appears to be a bunch of crazed images, but... Apparently somebody dies and it blows everybody's minds, Blair and Chuck possibly do it, there's some huge Winter Ball so lame the Humphreys and Vanessa get to go, Lily has second thoughts about her marriage, and the scintillating whirlwind that is Jenny/Nate/Vanessa grabs you by the nuts and won't let go.
See how unrealistic Gossip Girl really is (though we love it anyway) and then come back on Monday for our full detailed recap of this episode.
"For the rest of the country, Thanksgiving is when families come together to give thanks. But on the Upper East Side, the holiday thankfully returns to its roots: Lying, manipulation and betrayal." Gossip Girl, you are a bummer and a half today. Maybe the hangover from your apparent drug weekend last episode is rebounding on you. Seek help. "And from what we hear? Just like the Indians, someone else is being pushed out of their home..." So I guess Cyrus is America and Blair is Native America? That's iffy, GG, not to mention offensive in some ill-defined way I'm not interested in worrying at, but on the other hand your righteous indignation on the part of our aboriginal brothers and sisters is noted. (Is Gossip Girl actually Vanessa? Is Gossip Girl Vanessa's lesbian sister with the van? Is Gossip Girl that little fake Indian girl that Marlon Brando sent to the Oscars?)
Although GG's cheery/hateful tone fits the scene perfectly, considering we're listening to Mates of State, who've taken the sweet melody/dark lyrics twist of the greatest '90s chick bands to this whole new place.
It's my only offer: stifle copies of myself ... In secret we believe we're nothing, nothing, nothing that we need ... Built up a wall made out of finer things/ Piled it high, so we could barely see it ... My only offer: Stifle copies of myself
Blair bitches about how Cyrus's stuff is filling up her house, and how "stuff" includes "annoying relatives." S recalls Aaron's sweet memories of his Nana, and Blair's like, That bitch leaves orange kiss marks on my face: "It looked like I'd been spray-tanned! And Cyrus' nephew spent the morning talking to me about Corn: Grain Of The Future. And his sister asked me to go shopping with her!" Serena leans against the locker thinking that's sweet.p>
Blair goes off about how she's going to make it the most perfect Thanksgiving ever, which you know means she's going to end up doing something shockingly crazy, and demands that S come over and help her bake a pie, but S is all about Aaron Aaron Aaron and whatever, and B points out that Lily always DVRs Big Love, so she'll get a kick out of Aaron's Ethical Slut ways: "He's just like Bill Paxton, only younger and with scruff." B puts forth yet again the viewpoint that Serena is doing herself a disservice by dating nonexclusively -- the implication is that, just as with Dan and Georgina and Blair herself, the downside of Serena's sort of diffuse personality is the risk of losing herself altogether -- and S rolls her eyes. "I'll admit it's been hard. I like him enough that I don't want to date anyone else... And you can't get the prize if you don't compete, right?" Blair points out the fifty things wrong with that sentence, and then Dan comes walking up. B's like, "BTW, I'm going to be a total bitch to him," and Serena asks her not to, and B is like, "Oh, I'm going to," all of this by saying the opposite but as fake as possible.