Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Thank You For Not Letting Me Be Myself Again

Eric is giddy at the contents of the literal vault ("It's like the end of every heist movie ever made. Are those gold bars? I didn't think they actually made those. Is that... Is that a sat phone?") but Chuck only has time to be a little bit adorable ("Encryption. Government prototype. Put it back.") before his phone rings. It's V, and he's like, "You know you want me," and she's like, "Picture how hard this call was for me to make," and he flips over to being an actual human until she brings up Nate, who hurt his feelings at school yesterday, so then he flips back to Charlie Trout again and she's like, "Chuck, I reiterate that this is serious" and he finally believes her and rushes off to Brooklyn which is I guess five minutes away so that they can save Nate, and pats Eric's arm so super-sweetly on the way out of the room, and then of course immediately Eric finds the files: one for each of the van der Woodsens. He pulls out his own, and the look on his face before he even opens it is heartbreaking. Kid needs a Dad! Or at least somebody to share occasionally the burden of covering the ass of every single person on this show. He was cheerleading for Bart when even Lily wasn't sure! This is really sad!

"Slave 4 U" is Dorota's ringtone on her BlackBerry either for everybody, for just Eleanor, or for anybody named Waldorf. All three of them are awesome possibilities; also awesome is Dorota's red coat with black fur collar, which is exactly what your maid would wear out if you kidnapped her to spend the day in the city. Blair screams at her not to answer the phone, and D's like, "But Miss Blair, it's your mom!" and Blair is just not having it at all. "We have nothing to be thankful for. This is the worst Thanksgiving of all time. And if we have to wander the Upper East Side like outcasts in a Jane Austen novel, so be it!" Dorota, quite adept at taking care of the little psycho, is like, "Maybe we go feed ducks at boat pond, like when you were little." What she means is, "If you're going to abuse me anyway, I might as well distract you with the exact right thing so that you can harangue me while doing the thing that is going to chill you the fuck out," and B fully falls for it in a hilarious fashion: "Fine. I'm not a monster. I won't deny the ducks their dinner. But if you look like you enjoy even one second of it, we're leaving."

I love that so, so much. "Okay, this doesn't have to be a vendetta: We can actually have a wonderful Thanksgiving together, and I thank you for that suggestion. We're doing it. But we have to both pretend that we are miserable the entire time, or else it'll be my mother's fault that we're having fun, and we only blame her for bad things, not awesome things like spending the day with you feeding ducks and making pies, which is actually what I would elect to do in the first place, if I didn't have all these schemes to run and people to ruin and parents to horrify." Plus you get to imagine Dorota standing behind Blair feeding the ducks and being like, "This is the most awesome fucking thing you can do in America, and we're doing it right now!" and Blair having no idea that Dorota is fully rocking out.

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Gossip Girl

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