All three van der Woodsens come down the stairs staring at Bart, and he's like, "WTF has been doing on all day? People coming and going, Serena's talking to herself again, Eric's in some kind of gay jam, we have kids I don't even know about, Chuck's all over Brooklyn, and I haven't managed to get any information on any of this." Lily produces the files and tells him he better come clean first. He asks if they've read them, and Serena awesomely goes, "Not yet!" Eric says he only read his own. Lily's all, "We weren't supposed to find them? That's your excuse? Look, you did this to me and I dealt with it. But the kids? My kids?" Serena's grossed out that she knew about this, having so recently been the victim of a similar reveal of her past indiscretions, and Lily's like, "Later, S." Bart swears he's just trying to protect them, and then makes the fatally rookie mistake of criticizing her parenting head-on instead of by implication of his every statement like usual: "If you're gonna let your son and daughter go where they please and do as they please, someone has to look out for them." Lily is so over this fight she just yells something about trust and then bounces with the kids, handing Serena their files. "This day is about family, and if you're not for this family, then I'm gonna take mine and spend it with them." Bart is sad, but I'm with Lily on this one, because that last thing he said was a killer statement that basically indicted all three of them as lazy and out-of-control worthless heathens, which is... not really what he intended to do right then.
Speaking of lazy out-of-control worthless heathens, the Captain is running around packing like he just did a bump when Nate comes back to wherever he's been hiding. Nate's like, "Do you really think this is going to work?" and then clarifies that he's not talking about the plan they discussed, but the actual secret plan where he holds his wife and son for ransom. The Captain thinks about dissembling for a quarter of a second, and when he finally starts trying to explain and ameliorate it, Nate's heart breaks. "There's a different way to get our lives back, Dad. One that doesn't require another felony. The FBI are on the way here." The Captain begs, but Nate's strong. "Dad, listen. I love you, but if you can't do the right thing, then I can't respect you. So the choice is yours. You go out that service entrance and you ruin our relationship forever... Or you be a man and you turn yourself in when they get here." I don't know why that's the funniest line in the entire story, but it's like, how precise and melodramatic. "You catch a ride on that stanhope and you ruin our relationship forever!" The Captain explains that this is not a choice in the traditional sense, because it sucks either way, and Nate is like, "I'm sick of living in the mess you've created for us, and I'm not gonna do it anymore. I hope you won't either." Which point in the conversation, historically, is where Nate punches his dad in the face, but no: it's Thanksgiving.