Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Thank You For Not Letting Me Be Myself Again

Dan asks if they've seen Jenny and B gives an awkwardly written and awkwardly blurted "If she's hiding from you she has better taste than I thought!" and then executes an even more awkward high school-movie kind of "I tried!" fake-smiley exit. Gossip Girl, this sort of panto BS is really just kind of beneath you. It's certainly beneath Leighton Meester, who seems to have decided to get the fuck out of the scene as quickly as possible instead of wrapping her face around yet more banal hijinks. Anyway, Rufus's entire parenting schema is to stand in the kitchen all day, call Jenny's cell phone, act shocked when she doesn't answer, and then be ignored by Agnes. S offers that Little J's been spending a lot of time with Eric, so maybe that's where she is. Then they awkwardly -- but organically and diagetically awkward, rather than just being poorly directed -- talk about how they won't be having Thanksgiving this year, and how it was so crazy last year because Allison Humphrey sucks donkey balls, and S says she'll miss Rufus's mashed potatoes, but not the drama of whatever. And of course Dan, perhaps thinking she doesn't mean it, resolves deep in the darkness of his big gay heart to bring her twice the effing drama of last year if he should have to move heaven and earth to do so. They are sweet and say goodbye, and he bumps into Nate and apologizes, and Nate hisses and spits at him like a cat would, and then Chuck runs up to kiss him hello and welcome him back to St. Jude's, but Nate just hisses and spits some more, and Chuck is sad.

Jenny and Eric meet with a lawyer to discuss the emancipation, and one look at Jenny's psycho hair and space-cocaine raccoon eyes tells her all she needs to know. She's about to pull down a dictionary and show them what the word actually means, but the tweens have it covered: Eric explains that Jenny has been making him watch Irreconcilable Differences over and over again, taking notes no doubt. Lawyer lady is not amused, and tells Jenny the next step: "Once you file, the state opens up an investigation into your family. There has to be proof of parental neglect." Jenny kind of balks, assuming that she could divorce her awful parents and disappear into the ether without them hearing about it, and the lawyer has kind of had it. "They need to know you no longer want to be their child." That one hurts, but Jenny pulls it together and straightens her spine, grabs the papers, and whistles for Eric.

Dan pours tea for Vanessa and asks what hellish lonely maladaptive plans she has for Thanksgiving; she does not disappoint, plus there's bonus Abrams suckage: "I decided to pass on joining my family at the Washoe Reservation, where they're helping to stage a protest. And my plan is to hole myself up in my studio, rent Berlin Alexanderplatz and eat a frozen Annie's Organic turkey dinner." That is the most fucking depressing thing I've ever heard; it's a sentence but it's also a calamity. Not even Vanessa sucks enough to suck this much. "No one enjoys a sixteen-hour German movie more than yours truly," quoth Dan Humphrey in a way that falsely suggests it's not true, "But you could come here instead." V isn't feeling it, due to Jenny kissing Nate one time a million years ago, and Dan's like, "She's not coming." Why? Because she has amnesia and her foot was amputated and she now beds exclusively prostitutes with Daddy issues. "I didn't realize it was still that bad between her and your Dad," says V, and just when you think she's actually being nice or sympathetic, pulls through to the other side: "Where is she having Thanksgiving? With Nate?" Yeah. Down at the Soup Kitchen where they both live now, you total idiot. You should go volunteer there instead of watching Fassbinder movies and waiting for someone to love you. What I would not give to watch one actual homeless person with legitimate problems take her ass down a peg.

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Gossip Girl

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