Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Thank You For Not Letting Me Be Myself Again

"...Uh, Nate and Jenny aren't spending time together anymore," Dan elides, as though this has anything to do with Vanessa and isn't completely about his own jealousy about Jenny taking a ride on the Archibald Express. Vanessa allows that, horrible though the Humphreys may be, as long as Jenny's not there she might see her way to watching Dan and Rufus act like total spazzes, pretend to care about football, and eventually pass out on the couch with a dusty guitar and a blank Moleskin in their respective hands. Rufus enters screeching about how Agnes' mother -- Courtney Love, not Donna Reed -- finally told him that her daughter is supermodeling in Tokyo, but now how she additionally did everything she could to ruin Jenny's life, or how she awesomely got to yell, "YES JENNY I AM INSANE" at the top of her lungs while setting shit on fire. That's the number one way to say farewell to New York City. Rufus is like, Well, my fifteen-year-old daughter's now been missing and homeless for about a month, and nobody knows where she is or where she's been for literally weeks, so I guess I care. "I think I have to call the cops!" he says, fussily taking off his gloves, and Dan suddenly remembers to care. In this "Oh, that reminds me" tone of voice, he casually mentions that he totally solved this mystery and then forgot that he solved the mystery.

Lily and Bart come back from Necker Island a day early only to find the apartment empty. Bart's like, "Your children are heathens, we should have them microchipped," and Lily knows he means it, so she's relieved when Rufus calls, just like he does every ten minutes of every day. She answers the phone and he fully goes, "IS MY DAUGHTER THERE?" Like all of a sudden who cares about taking off your mittens, now it's time to parent, and Lily's all, "Yeah, you rude ass, she's not here. Nobody's here, why would Jenny be here anyway. Maybe she's with Eric." Rufus says she's been squatting in secret for at least a week, and Lily's like, "Don't be retar... I'll call you back," having spotted Jenny's stuff in a neat little pile in a completely obvious place in the house

Anne springs the Captain on Nate, causing Nate to have a spontaneous psychotic break and become a very awesome actor. I've always loved the character, and the actor seems very cool, but in this episode I must say that he is MVP. I believe every single thing with him, this week, and it's really kind of moving for once. How weird is that? Almost as weird as the fact that the Captain's now wearing Rufus's cableknit rollneck lady sweater. Why does this thing keep happening to people? Gossip Girl randomly goes, "Just like Nate Archibald, Gossip Girl has a family waiting for her today. So although I'd love to stay and chat, I'm signing off until after Thanksgiving dinner: Just in time for pie, coffee... And surveying the damage." Translation: "Gossip Girl just read back over the intensely bizarre shit she said last week and realized that she was powerless over her addiction to crazy pills, and will now be entering Promises for the remainder. Remember, Supper Beast Sliders: Don't bury the bone in a fish that grows in Brooklyn. You apple tree feel know me! ΨΘΨΘ, Gossip Girl..."

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Gossip Girl

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