Blair: Remember, Serena doesn't share.
Serena: Remember, Blair should learn to.
Eric comes in to case the joint preparatory to sneaking Little J in, and Bart surprises him all, "So we're both home early! Chuck said he thought you were going out with Jonathan tonight." Eric texts Jenny to stay frosty, and then... Bart and Eric talk about his gay relationship for awhile. Yeah, it's kind of surprising, but you just have to roll with it. Maybe Eric's just trying to scare Bart off? But nobody with skin that texture scares easy. He's like, "I don't think it's working out with Jonathan" -- which: say it ain't so, Cuomo! -- and Bart completely flips the script and goes, "Yeah, it's really not. You should ask him about how he's fucking the captain of his swim team, whose name and home phone number I have right here in my hand, along with the archival footage of those two teenage boys hooking up with each other."
Eric's mind is so fucking blown that it propels him up the stairs and into Chuck's room, where he's delighted to see Chuck is home. And here's what Chuck's up to right now: getting a shave and facial from a silent woman in a French maid costume, while they drink martinis together, wearing a smoking jacket. "My plans for the evening got held up at Customs," he smarms, but I think these "plans" are imaginary as I often do, because he's got an image to protect. Eric must not know that he is impotent, because he loves Eric the most of anybody besides Nate, who I guess also must not know about the mechanical errors, so: "plans." Eric's like, "YOUR DAD TOTALLY JUST BLEW MY WHOLE MIND" and Chuck's like, "You know I have a PI on retainer -- you think Bart wouldn't?" He clinks martinis with the French maid lady at this point. He is like twice as Chuck Bass right now as usual, it's awesome. Eric's like, "Isn't that totally fucking fucked up, though? Am I wrong here?" Chuck, because why would he know better, is like, "I don't even know what fucked up means. It's what we do. Remind me to tell you about the time I found these amazing surveillance photos of Gina, my hot Italian au pair who later molested me and contributed to the insane mess I am!" Eric takes a pass on that one, and Chuck offers him the keys to the vault. And because it's Gossip Girl, yes: there is literally a vault, with literal bars of gold in it.
"Bad Man's World" by Jenny Lewis -- of course he listens to Jenny Lewis -- plays over Serena and Aaron's dinner, which I think is garnished with Lunesta or something, because these two make me feel Tin Rust Roofied. Serena's all, why are you being all romantic, when what we are is cold mechanical closed-mouth kissing while you hook up with everybody under the sun? Those are opposites. He says that she's all he thinks about now, and she's all over that, and then pulls the whole high schooler-dating-college boy thing she always does -- and never pulls off -- where she's like, "And then I ironically pretend to be blasé about it, which is already ironic, so now I'm like postmodernly allowed to be coy and cute about it again," which is true-to-life, again, but not something Serena should really be attempting. He tells her he wants to be a one-woman man, and she says she wants to break out the champagne, and he tells her he's glad she didn't.