Jesus wept that was some bad-ass television. You know, normally when they say "It's all been leading up to this," they're not speaking literally. And it's not a valediction even when it's true, because the individual episodes should stand on their own in terms of excellence, but MAN if it wasn't worth the last year and a half to get here. I've thought for a while -- bitchy, stressed-out recaps to the contrary maybe -- that the episodes were adding up to something greater than their parts, but I don't think anybody could have predicted the manic, nonstop, gonzo insane hour we got tonight.
So among the many mysterious provisions of CeCe's will is the fact that, since PRADA was apparently always hers, she'd be holding her wake there. Chuck, Lily and Serena are all expecting breakfast -- the which S and Nate have tricked Lola into attending -- so when the usual waffles are replaced instead with an insane Irish wake, complete with a band and a casket, they are nonplussed. But compared to what follows, a wild brunch full of chauffeurs and The Help is really just the tip of the CeCe iceberg...
BOOM! Ivy's taking Georgina to the wake as her bodyguard, leaving Philip in charge of Gossip Girl.
BOOM! Lily gets drunk immediately, striking out at everybody from Carol to poor Ivy!
BOOM! Lola is disgusted once again by the Rhodes Women and tells everybody off!
BOOM! CeCe knew who Ivy was all along, and left her the entire estate, including PRADA!
BOOM! Carol threatens to tell Lily that she cheated with William van der Woodsen and had a kid!
BOOM! Meaning that Lola is both Serena's half-sister as well as her cousin!
BOOM! Lola is going to side with William against the Rhodes Women, in the future!
BOOM! Cyrus thinks he has found a loophole in the prenup!
BOOM! Philip accidentally posts Chuck's email regarding Dan's GG submission, rather than the submission itself! Ruining Chuck's chances with B!
BOOM! Estee is suddenly British, and has a plan to replace Blair as Her Serene Highness! But then the loophole is closed because Georgina violates Blair's gag order with the picture of her kissing Humphrey! Or the whole Estee thing was a big lie and the Waldorfs are bankrupt and Chuck somehow still thinks this is Dan's fault! B will set him straight!
BOOM! Blair tells Chuck that she loves him but she is not in love with him as previously stated!
BOOM! Lily tells Chuck that he was saved, not by God and Blair, but by a blood transfusion from Uncle Jack!
BOOM! Ivy kicks Lily and Rufus the fuck out of PRADA!
BOOM! Serena retires to her room, hating life and her family, in a suicidal depression!
BOOM! Georgina now has Chuck's loyalty, and sets off to save the Waldorf fortune in Monaco to secure her safety from Blair!
BOOM! But not before first anointing the new Gossip Girl, who is SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Blair runs to DUMBO to call the man she loves by his first name, over and over again!
Next: You know what, the next episode isn't until April. Which would irk me, except, you know. BOOM! Everything actually happened! It was magnificent! I still feel drunk! Yet I am not drunk! XOXOXOXOXO!
Dan got a video from Gossip Girl, and then sent that video to ... Gossip Girl, and Chuck knows it. Blair was trapped in a loveless marriage for about six minutes, which came with a creepy girl. Serena had a huge problem with Dan being in love with Blair, but then decided it was fine, whatever. Ivy wormed her way into the gin-pickled heart of darkness, while Lola realized she'd been brainwashed by Aunt Carol long ago. All in all, a red-letter day for the Rhodes Women, who said goodbye to the impetus if not the catalyst of their many, many problems.
BASS ATTY OFC
Lily: "So I guess we have to bury the old bitch. Show me to your cheapest coffins and Edible Arrangements."
GG: "Did you really think CeCe was going out like that?"
Atty: "Actually, she's taken care of all of it, in true Stealth WASP style. Go home, where you will find something crazy going on."
Aunt Carol: "I can't help thinking this is all about me."
Lily: "Leaving you out of her funeral arrangements was our mother's last gift to me. Why don't you call one of your fake daughters and cry about it? Oh, wait. They hate you."
Nate & Lola: "Blah blee bloo blee blee."
Nate: "Let's revisit the details of your storyline while rolling around in the half-nude."
Lola: "I hate you and your rich friends. Now, use some of that bullshit money to buy a girl some breakfast."
Nate: "You're kind of turning into the Vanessa. I'd watch that shit."
Serena: "Nate, how goes our plan to annoy your suspicious girlfriend by once again tricking her into doing things she doesn't want to do with people she doesn't want to be around?"
Nate: "I'm cool with just doing whatever people tell me."
Chuck: "Sometimes I masturbate while our maid makes coffee."
Nate: "Tell me more."
Chuck: "Well, I'm definitely going to be exposing Humphrey for giving that video back to the person that gave it to him."
Nate: "I meant about the..."
Chuck: "See, because then Blair will be back in love with me."
Nate: "And still married. And you're still the prick in this scenario."
Chuck: "I have to lock it down so in a year she'll divorce Louis and return to me."
Nate: "Or you could be cool like this one time."
Dan: "Blair! Surely waffles with my family doesn't sound totally depressing."
Blair: "Hang on, I'm on the phone with France. They say we can maybe get out of the prenup."
Dan: "Tell me exactly how that will work."
Blair: "It's kind of boring and also imaginary."
Dan: "Those are my two favorite kinds of thing."