Lily: "Charles, thank God it's you. The only person I actually like on this show."
Chuck: "You're wavering, Mother. Have a seat on this chaise-lounge."
Lily: "Thank you, my beloved son. Please distract me from my many white-lady probs by telling me yours. Or maybe I can guess! Does it involve you doing horrendous things to Blair Waldorf, and then acting like a shocked and sullen little boy when you get what's coming to you?"
Chuck: "In a word, Mother, yes."
Lily: "Not to ruin your day further, but I am completely shithammered and this might come out wrong, but do you remember that time that Blair prayed you into complete health and herself into an Earnshaw hysteria?"
Chuck: "Yes. God kept shooting taxis at me like I were Frogger, mum."
Lily: "It was not an infusion of God's Grace via Blair that saved you, son. It were the demon blood of that Faustus, that rake, that raping humping monster, that thumping uncle his own self. That Uncle Jack."
Chuck: "You called your rapist to donate blood to me after the accident?"
Lily: "We were already chatting. Sometimes when I forget and drink with my Ambien I call him up and we just talk about stuff. The opera, your many other moms, my secret love children, the GOP primary. It gets lonely with just Rufus and the ghost of your father for company."
Chuck: "Annual suicide attempt, here I come! I sure hope Blair still has her Spidey sense about that, or I'm fucked. Otherwise, we'll fall in love immediately like usual!"
Lola: "Nate, thank you for buying me all this food and tricking me all the time... Hold up, my cousin's dad is calling..."
Wm vdW: "Lola, probably we should talk. Things just got even more trailer parky."
Lola: "More than Blair being married and pregnant? What, am I your daughter-niece or something?"
Wm vdW: "Just come visit me at the Empire, where everybody will eventually be showing up with various parentage issues and blood transfusion issues."
Lola: "Okay, just as soon as I've spent all Nate's money and bitched about it the entire time."
Nate: "I really have nothing else in my life right now."
Philip: "So wait, you're flying to Monaco to save Blair's life, and you're quitting being Gossip Girl? That is really going to cut into my having-sex-with-dudes time when you get back."
Georgina: "Best live it up while I'm gone. And hey, could you mail this? It's the laptop containing all of Gossip Girl's equipment. Blowguns, GPS pintrackers, the whole bit. All of her info that just anybody seems able to hack into. I've decided I know who the next GG is going to be, and it is going to blow your mind."
Philip: "I'm just glad you have a hobby, even if it essentially being a crazy stalker of about ten people at once. Have fun storming the castle, and we'll see you when you don't come back for the rest of the season probably."