Lily: "I am officially drunk enough to have my sister frisked."
Carol: "I am officially crazy enough to act a mess!"
Lily: "Get the fuck out of my house, you loon."
Wm vdW: "Actually, PRADA is CeCe's house."
Rufus: "That's right, your mother bought it for us. Remember?"
Lily: "No, because that makes no fucking sense, but whatever. This is the new status quo."
Wm vdW: "In other random news, I am the executor of CeCe's estate!"
Rufus: "Were you giving her fake cancer too?"
Wm vdW: "Considering her dead ass is in a box two feet to your left, I'd rethink that question. Anyway, I have her will right here."
Carol: "That figures, that CeCe would choose the father of some of Lily's children."
Lily: "I have no idea who fathered my children, Carol. Give me a break."
Carol: "I don't know who Lola's father is either, but just by saying that I have taken this episode in a radical new fucking direction."
Lily: "Let's see how it plays out."
Lola: "Dr. vdDubs, I'm a girl of uncertain parentage who has noticed my mom acting bonkers toward you."
Carol: "Lola, stop talking to that man this instant! I have to hang all over him like we dated!"
Dorota: "Miss Blair! I so sorry but Miss Creeper Jedi mind-trick me into telling her you at wake. Too many secrets lately! I feel like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy!"
Blair: "Played out, unimaginably boring, and unable to use a cell phone? Yeah, I can see that."
Dorota: "Cyrus Rose say you no answer phone!"
Blair: "I'm at a wake, so I put it on silent. And anyway, I took care of the dowry situation myself, by making promises to the royal family that I cannot possibly keep because I'm not in control of the press, through an unreliable third person."
Dorota: "Yeah because you on Gossip Girl kissing Lonelyboy! And he post this picture himself! From he phone!"
Blair: "I feel just like I did a second ago when this exact same thing happened! Rrrragh!"
Wm vdW: "...Last will and testament..."
Serena: "Daddy, could you kick Ivy out of here?"
Wm vdW: "Is she, like, bothering you?"
Carol: "She is a con artist! I should know!"
Serena: "She smells like poor people!"
Lily: "I am so fucking drunk!"
Wm vdW: "Well, CeCe wanted her here. So shut it."