Louis: Overhears things almost as often as Abrams, lately.
RAINA'S MOM RAINA'S MOM RAINA'S MOM
Raina: "[Lots of talking.] ...In summation, I am now a supervillain and you are my whore. We are going to destroy Chuck Bass for hazy, unclear reasons having to do with my mom or something."
Nate: "Hmm? I wasn't listening. Sure, whatever."
Peepers: "...And that's how Vanessa ruined my chance to make sad bachelor pizza."
Dan: "Humiliation while trying to win my approval? Check. Falling victim to UES schemery? Check. Tainted enough to screw but still innocent enough that I can be disappointed in you later? Check, and that's a very important one. You gotta leave a little wiggle room. Totally wanting to bone you since you showed up, making this inevitable? Check. Yes, you are officially my new fetish object."
Charlie: "Sometimes when you're not home I sneak into the loft and put on your clothes and talk to myself in the mirror like we're on a date and then I pretend to be myself, giving you a handjob, and then I pretend to be you, spanking me for being so naughty. Then I burn a hobo alive, and thus concludes the ritual. Every time I do it, I can feel you wanting me even harder, as the gossamer veil between our world and Theirs grows ever thinner."
Dan: "What was that?"
Charlie: "I was just trying to think of another !Kung joke and I couldn't think of one. Nothing. Gosh, I'm such a spaz!"
Dan: "I like that about you. Because I am patronizing."
Dan: "Now, let's go beat the shit out of Vanessa Abrams."
Charlie: "You know what, I want to do that on my own. Until we get married you can still testify against me, so it's best you don't know what I do with the remains of my victims after the Dark Ones are satisfied. One day their blood will rain on all of Central Park and we'll have no secrets from each other. And on that day I shall wear your face over my face, like a mask. And through your eye holes, I will see all dreams made real."
Dan: "It's so cute how you have a crush on me!"
Blair: "Hey Louis. Sorry my violent ex-boyfriend shit all over everything. It was nice while it lasted."
Louis: "Blair, what part of this are you not getting? Every episode, we are confronted with an insurmountable obstacle to our relationship, and then I say it doesn't matter. Always it is the same thing, and always I say it doesn't matter."