Dan: "Bart, why are you reading the Nice Serena Chapter? I'm amazed."
Bart: "No, what's amazing is that I am finding the time to do all of this shit everywhere."
Dan: "So my plan -- Do you want to hear this? Do you give a shit? Does anybody give a shit? No? Okay -- so my plan is to make Serena hate me, and then she will be in love with me."
Bart: "The Empire is indebted to you. Lord Vader will be very pleased."
Dan: "The important thing is that I wish you were my Daddy. I always have. It's because you are awful."
Bart: "Serena's moving to LA, by the way. So your actions are meaningless and only further my own evil agenda. Which speaking of, I have like six other scenes to be in simultaneous to this one, so..."
Poof! Smoke. Acrid, greasy.
Chuck: "Nope, I'm going to Moscow. No matter how pathetic you act."
Blair: "That's a bet I will happily take, bro."
Chuck: "Let's phone it in, what do you say."
Blair: "Hey, we got practice at this point."
They phone it the fuck in. It is embarrassing and schmaltzy and stupid. Dragons attack and she's like, "Where's our goat? Dang, I left it at the house. Back before I was kidnapped for about a hot minute."
Then Chuck gets on the plane, which explodes, and he dies.
Blair: "I have bounced back! Saying goodbye to Chuck Bass always makes me seem like I have a personality. So listen, I have gathered all of you -- Sage, Ivy, Georgina -- because you are horrible and good at doing horrible things."
Serena: "Two questions. Where am I, and why."
Blair: "Because even though you are incompetent at everything, we need you in the big scam scene. 'Playing' dumb."
Serena: "Got it."
Sage: "I am super obnoxious."
Ivy: "I have less than one single reason for being here, or on this show."
Georgina: "I'm whatever is required for the plot."
Ivy: "Please don't feed me to a dragon, which is a thing that you believe to be real, but... Didn't we just try this like five minutes ago? Literally, this morning we did this? And the end result was merely that Nate -- the only guy that every one of us has fucked except Georgina -- went to jail?"
Blair: "Look, just follow through on this ridiculous plan of mine where we record Bart Bass on our phones while making spoooooky noises. I promise it will work."