When Serena calls Ivy back from her Hamptons VITAMIN WATER hideaway to try and trick Bart with a low-level entrapment scheme, he finally gets annoyed enough to pull the trigger on his Nate blackmail, sending the boy to jail. The Captain -- who seems to get younger every time he shows up, or else it's just the oppression of having to look at Bart's face all season -- shows up and offers very little help, but a winning smile.
Eventually Bart kidnaps Blair for a second, demonstrating that he has the power of life and death over the three people -- along with Lily and Nate -- that Chuck loves most, and offers him a one-way ticket to Moscow. Also leaving town: Serena van der Woodsen, who has had enough of this town and, like she does every five minutes, is moving away to be alone and find herself and whatever.
One of Blair's oracular Audrey dreams provides her with two important pieces of information: One, that Bart is going to kill Chuck, and two, that the only thing that can save him is a complicated scheme involving every guest star this season -- Sage, Ivy and Georgina -- and a whole lot of old-man shaming, each scheme more ludicrous and useless than the last, as Bart manages to continually evade their dumb plans and turn them to his advantage. (Bart in fact spends much of the episode just traveling from child to child, wrecking their lives and acting gross. He is like the opposite of Serena, in terms of Being Places.)
Still mourning their tarmac farewell, Blair is astounded first by the news of Chuck's death, and then minutes later when Lonelyboy produces him (with a grandiose speech about how much he loves Chuck, no less). It's great, the whole sequence. Beautiful. Neither B nor Serena are prepared to forgive Dan his latest trespasses, and Bart disappears with Chuck immediately. After some amount of running around, she makes it up to the roof -- it was always going to be the roof -- just in time to see Chuck ... um, murder his dad.
In the end, it was a thrilling chapter, with lots of weird stylistic and musical choices to keep things moving: Dan hides the Good Serena Chapter in her stuff, as a last-ditch effort to brainwash her into overlooking the thousands of horrific things he constantly does, and you know that is going to work. Sage and Nate decide to save the Spectator by figuring out and disclosing Gossip Girl's identity, which apparently he could always do and just forgot. Chuck and Blair go on the lam...
I just wish there were a way Blair could protect herself from having to testify against the love of her life! Possibly using jewelry she already has on her person!
Next Week: Serena figures it out or does not figure it out (it will be the latter). Shippers will get what they always want, which is the end of the story, because they hate stories. Wm vdW turns on Ivy, of course. Jenny and Eric, but probably not Vanessa or Inspektor Pilot or Lola. Lily and Rufus and Eleanor, but probably not Harold or Roman. Kristen Bell and Gossip Girl, but probably not at the same time. Many tears, but probably also not very many surprises.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
PREVIOUSLY
Serena was the victim of Dan Humphrey's 97th heel-turn, and yet still has the balls to act offended by the fact that he's a douchebag, or when people point out what a douchebag he is. Blair was the victim of Chuck Bass's 97th dating fatwa, and yet still has the balls to act shocked that he won't fuck her, or when people point out that his excuses for refusing to fuck her have now surpassed his all-time low point, where he pretended to be a crippled French amnesiac to avoid fucking her.
Chuck was the victim of his undead father's retaliations, and yet still has the balls to act like he's not begging for it, and be constantly amazed when the bear he's poking with a stick for no reason takes a swat at him. Nate was the continued victim of Bart's transparent manipulation because Nate is a moron who got his ethics from his flaky dad and his addictive personality from his flaky mom. Lily finally realized that her murderous ex-husband has no problem beating the shit out of her and/or killing her, so she left town entirely, even though that's still only technically worse than being married to Rufus.
After impersonating first Lola and then Serena and then trying to take over the lives of first CeCe and then Lily, Ivy has effectively become every character on the entire show, ending with Vanessa, which is why she just split up with everybody's dad on the entire show -- Rufus -- to run off with the other person who is everybody's dad on this entire show -- Dr. Wm vdW -- because in addition to being everybody but herself, she is also a sad-sackin' fucker of dads.
CHARADE
One last Audrey dream before the lights come up, I suppose. It's the orange-passing scene from Charade, where Audrey falls in love with Cary Grant over a game of Suck & Blow, so Chuck and Blair do that, and then she passes to the next person, which is Bart Bass wearing glasses. He looks like Rusty Trawler with tuberculosis. I wanna march him over to the zoo and feed him to the yak.
Bart: "Didn't Charles tell you, Mrs. Bass? Any morning now, he could wake up dead. Dead, Mrs. Bass, like last week's news!"
Blair springs into action because her oddly straightforward dreams have never been wrong before.
THIS HOVEL
Dan, having finally found a check-cashing place for his VF windfall, has discovered the perfect apartment. Also, two things the show never bothered to tell us until this week: The sequel he's been selling piecemeal to the internet is called Inside Out, which is clever, and he's already sold the option, which is why he is flush.
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