Nate approaches S and apologizes for "the way it sounded," which Serena clarifies: "That I was the concubine of the Upper East Side?" Yes, but no, and -- taking it as a given that he's a bigger whore than she could ever be -- he lists a million people he wouldn't have mentioned in front of Blair, from random guy to random guy to "the art teacher from Prague," and Serena bitches that she didn't sleep with all of those guys -- awesome! -- and that in fact some, if few or many, of them were locker-room boasters. Way to hedge, baby! Proud as proud, I am.

Nate points out that in the history of his virginity, he gave it to a person on a bar at the Campbell Apartment (and, needless to add, said person then engaged in an abortive webcam threesome and murder) who vanished immediately. She says that, as far as fucking on the bar in public, that reflects just as poorly on him as her, and gets her feminist ire up about this "twisted guy logic," but while her point is true this particular moment is problematic, as he stomps away: "Serena, I woke up the morning after I lost my virginity to find that the person I lost it to -- the person I loved -- had left town. Never to be heard from again for a year."

Never to be heard from, he says, for a year. So like, is that Nate being retarded? Or just more truly terrible writing?

Uncle Jack, with his goatee and his charming smile and complete lack of soul, strides right up to poor shocked Lily and shouts, "You look glorious! As always!" She looks like she's gonna hurl, so Rufus runs up and throws down. "Rufus, don't blow a gasket. I just came to offer my apology. Lily, I wasn't myself that night at the Opera Gala. I'd had a lot to drink, took some of those OTC pills they started keeping behind the counter recently. And some meth. Really, I was just in a bad place, but now I'm a changed man." The only thing more awesome than that speech is the cardboard-smile crazy with which he says it. The man is a charmer. Rufus is all, "You expect us to buy that?" and Jack is like,"Um, no? Stupid?" Rufus's manful response to the man who fully tried to rape his wife in an Opera House bathroom is to tell him to stay fifty feet away from them or else.

Lily and Rufus speed away from the scene of the Jack, and she's like, "Did you find the Symbolic Scarf yet?" And instead of apologizing and acting like a man for one single second, he does his usual "Let's go somewhere private."