Gossip Girl
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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When Concubine Met Catamite
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

So science fiction people are like, if I say that Caprica is just a slightly awesomer version of this show, they would not see that as a compliment. But do check it out, because imagine if: Serena joined a terrorist cult, and Blair became a two-ton killer robot, and Little J lived in the Matrix and was becoming God. Oh, and if Lily were the pagan wife of Bill Gates and getting tempted into Christianity by a bisexual schoolmarm with a huge opium problem. I mean, that's not even spoilers, it's just the mission statement of the show.

I don't know about you, but that's precisely the show I have longed for since I was born. And it's funny, because I was going to say that this week anyway, but then this episode happened, all about fathers and daughters, a couple days after shit got real in that same father/daughter arena over on Caprica.

Anyway, Rufus and Little J are in their same tense d├ętante, with him monitoring her before and after school and forcing her to eat the ubiquitous waffles. (Awesomely: "Waffles. Shocker.") GG's like, "Dads worry about their daughters getting hurt, about their daughters hating them, and about their daughters one day growing up." Scandalously, Jenny takes about three steps out the door before calling Lily's car service to get her the fuck out of DUMBO and over to Damien's hotel room, and then snapping her head all around to create a convincing illusion of having become a Rihanna song in living color, hair gone all Serena-wild in slow-motion. It's adorable and cheesy, like Jenny rolls.

In a cute black satin robe, Blair nibbles at strawberries and chats with Elizabeth about how well things are going between them. They have played squash and visited haberdasheries, and there's "something" he wants to ask his mother later. Chuck comes in, and his face is making that face it makes, and he and his very important lawyer Doug Jarrett inform her that he's being accused of sexual harassment by several Empire employees. He's straightforwardly hilarious about yes, he did used to go around raping people every day, but that was in the Palace, and he has since curtailed the constant raping as a sign of respect for Blair. She is grateful.

"So we'll fight it! We have innocence, good breeding and Doug Jarrett -- one of the best lawyers in New York -- on our side. It's a slam dunk!" Charles wants to settle because of PR, but you know Blair's not going out like that: "Settlements are for the guilty! Celebrities who run people over! The Catholic Church! It's not fair!" Be that as it may -- and whoa! -- but there's a thing for Bart at the Historical Society tonight, and he doesn't want the news cycle about this fucking it up for him. Blair immediately and correctly acknowledges that really he's scared of having this stuff come out in front of Elizabeth, and even though he swears he's not doing it for that reason, it seems likely that -- squash games and haberdasheries aside -- you would want to wait a few weeks before telling your estranged, back-from-the-dead mom about your history of constant raping.

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