Uncle Jack shows up... And seems like not the obvious bad guy he is for about five seconds, when he scares Elizabeth Fisher into hiding. See, Jack was the only person who actually knew Evelyn, so -- absent the metric tons of microfiche that would clear this up in a second on any other show -- if he's in the same room as Evelyn/Elizabeth, the ruse will suddenly present. Chuck does a DNA test, and she's really his mother, and because of hilarious teabagger nonsense*, hands over the reins of the company... Just long enough for Elizabeth and Jack, being in cahoots of course anyhow, to pull some kind of Rooster and Lily St. James nonsense at which we still haven't quite arrived. My favorite that dog song, "Annie," from their third album, becomes more and more essential each week.
Dan and Vanessa continue to be surprisingly steamy and adorable as she plays all kinds of sexy games with his stupid, stupid head. Meanwhile, Rufus and Lily finally re-bond to deal with what a psycho Jenny is becoming, while she makes out with Damien nonstop. I guess her plan is to be just that fucked up, so much that even Lily and Rufus would be forced to think about manning up to save her from her innate Jennyness. And it's working. Because she is naturally that fucked up. Like, we'll be seeing Agnes next week.
Jenny eventually realizes that Damien does not deserve that particular honor -- in a characteristically compassionate, well-written scene -- and bounces, but since she's already hooked her parents back up and made Serena care about her again by teasing everybody about the sex issue, she doesn't care about the wreckage when she implies they not only had the sex, but went on to do it weird. What else? Blair was fucking fantastic, but not really in the front seat where she belongs: Just wearing a fucking insane array of gorgeous outfits and trying to run interference with horrible old Jack, who is now wearing Evil Goatee to complement his sexy face. Which is working out for him, to be honest.
OTOH, not working: Serena hatches a fantastic plan -- if you're as big an EF Benson fan as I am, and trust me you don't exist -- to seduce Damien before he can take Jenny's virtue, but poor old Nate calls Rufus to fuck it up for reasons having to do with that time Serena took his virginity and then ran off and KILLED A MAN and enrolled herself in boarding school. Even still, Nate comes out looking like a total jerk, which is what always happens when anybody dares to call Serena a whore. Which don't do that, because she's not, and that just means you hate women...
*Oh, now I remember. You know how Chuck used to run around raping everybody all the time? Apparently enough ladies noticed themselves getting constantly raped that they've put together a class-action sexual harassment suit, which means Chuck needs to be removed from the Empire board post-haste to protect their financial interests from his once-constant raping. He can't hand it over to Lily/Bass Industries, because that would throw off this other thing having to do with Bart's memory. (Can't hand it over to Daily Intel, whom nobody -- including us -- can stop referencing and fucking talking about all the time every week despite the fact that Lawson is finally back, assuming his rightful Aragorn kinghood over us all.) He can't hand it over to Blair -- don't think she didn't offer, and don't think that made us jump up and clap hands -- because she is a wild thing and not yet twenty. Who's left? Mommy. In bed with Uncle Claudius. Shitting collectively over Chuck's entire two-season storyline, and no I'm not letting this go, so let's move on...
Um, Lily's "headaches" aren't actually funny. I think she's dying. So yeah.
Next week: Serena, who is all full of plans lately, takes on Uncle Jack; Jenny does whatever dipshit thing she's going to do that's worse than dealing drugs; Agnes rips of her wig and then blows everybody up in a huge fireball that envelops the apartment building including the wife of the fashion designer that once attacked Michael's wife Jane, who now is faking blindness and will soon be set to sea -- in a wheelchair -- by her vastly better sister, the red-headed Simpson-spawning Sydney.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
So science fiction people are like, if I say that Caprica is just a slightly awesomer version of this show, they would not see that as a compliment. But do check it out, because imagine if: Serena joined a terrorist cult, and Blair became a two-ton killer robot, and Little J lived in the Matrix and was becoming God. Oh, and if Lily were the pagan wife of Bill Gates and getting tempted into Christianity by a bisexual schoolmarm with a huge opium problem. I mean, that's not even spoilers, it's just the mission statement of the show.
I don't know about you, but that's precisely the show I have longed for since I was born. And it's funny, because I was going to say that this week anyway, but then this episode happened, all about fathers and daughters, a couple days after shit got real in that same father/daughter arena over on Caprica.
Anyway, Rufus and Little J are in their same tense détante, with him monitoring her before and after school and forcing her to eat the ubiquitous waffles. (Awesomely: "Waffles. Shocker.") GG's like, "Dads worry about their daughters getting hurt, about their daughters hating them, and about their daughters one day growing up." Scandalously, Jenny takes about three steps out the door before calling Lily's car service to get her the fuck out of DUMBO and over to Damien's hotel room, and then snapping her head all around to create a convincing illusion of having become a Rihanna song in living color, hair gone all Serena-wild in slow-motion. It's adorable and cheesy, like Jenny rolls.
In a cute black satin robe, Blair nibbles at strawberries and chats with Elizabeth about how well things are going between them. They have played squash and visited haberdasheries, and there's "something" he wants to ask his mother later. Chuck comes in, and his face is making that face it makes, and he and his very important lawyer Doug Jarrett inform her that he's being accused of sexual harassment by several Empire employees. He's straightforwardly hilarious about yes, he did used to go around raping people every day, but that was in the Palace, and he has since curtailed the constant raping as a sign of respect for Blair. She is grateful.
"So we'll fight it! We have innocence, good breeding and Doug Jarrett -- one of the best lawyers in New York -- on our side. It's a slam dunk!" Charles wants to settle because of PR, but you know Blair's not going out like that: "Settlements are for the guilty! Celebrities who run people over! The Catholic Church! It's not fair!" Be that as it may -- and whoa! -- but there's a thing for Bart at the Historical Society tonight, and he doesn't want the news cycle about this fucking it up for him. Blair immediately and correctly acknowledges that really he's scared of having this stuff come out in front of Elizabeth, and even though he swears he's not doing it for that reason, it seems likely that -- squash games and haberdasheries aside -- you would want to wait a few weeks before telling your estranged, back-from-the-dead mom about your history of constant raping.
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