Gossip Girl
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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When Concubine Met Catamite

You can fudge the storyline/dialogue foliage and push the plot forward that way with almost anybody but Blair and Chuck. Lily's got so many secrets she has no secrets. Vanessa and Dan and Jenny are so blasé with their nuttiness/obnoxiousness that they can turn on a dime. Nate, he's a sexy bleeping box that sounds come out of so his decisions always make sense. Serena, Lord! I've seen her take what should be a five-scene, three-episode setup and crush it into one single marble-mouthed line of dialogue, "It was X but I'm Serena so now it's Y." And nobody ever blinks, including me who loves S more than anything, because that's believable.

But Blair and Chuck are machines, made of logic and viciousness, and unfortunately, so are the majority of insane fans of the show, and they're the ones watching Blair and Chuck most carefully. Making it the hardest thing to pull off and the most instrumental to the show, and so when you gloss this weirdness with a random "it's Gothic drama, who cares," you're missing the point entirely.

Like, Blair points out that Jack's gotten into Chuck's head again, and he responds by literally bullet-pointing the entire plot. "He has a point. She turns up out of the blue, doesn't know things about my father. And when she hears that Jack -- the only person who actually met my mother -- will be at the party tonight? She bails. Blair, she's supposed to be dead!" All true. But then the clop-clopping of Elizabeth's heels from the foyer -- which on this show is usually in hearing range of nothing, because they're up on each other all the time -- signals that she overheard it all.

So Blair jumps in and starts apologizing for the DNA test, and Elizabeth throws the whole "I shoulda known you'd never let me in, you're Bart's son," and bounces. And what's Chuck supposed to do? He's already ashamed in front of his mother, Charlie's got nothing to say. He tells Blair fuck it, they'll drop the sample off on the way, and she bounces and says she'll just meet him there. And GG is like, "everybody thinks Bass is an Ass," but like... This is only a problem because he thought of it this week? It's the first thing he should have done. If he didn't do it the second she showed up, you never should have brought it up, because now he looks dumb and everybody else looks like they're overreacting. And honestly, DNA results don't take five minutes, so you could have had this scene back when Elizabeth was jumping through the hundred other hoops and still have him get the results and play Jack's game in this episode. It's just such an uneasy mix of Now and this ineffable Then, which usually is the dynamite recipe of this show.

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Gossip Girl

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