Gossip Girl
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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When Concubine Met Catamite

Damien arrives and Nate's makeup tells his makeup no way no how is he leaving with Jenny, and Damien's like, "But I am!" and then punching, and surprise, Nate goes down faster than he did at Chuck's last Lost Weekend, and Jenny runs off to get herself good and fucked. Daniel Humphrey shoves his secret girlfriend Vanessa out of the way, rushing to Nate's aid, and kisses every booboo, and Nate starts screaming about how Damien's a drug dealer, and Dan sort of cares, but mostly wants to make sure nothing happened to Nate's beautiful face.

Then everybody including Serena -- because I don't know if you noticed, but apparently the UES has regular meetings about Jenny's Womanhood and nobody finds it weird how they're all super-perseverating on her virginity to a fucked-up really weird degree -- goes running around trying to circle the virginity wagons and drive those wagons to Damien's hotel so they can... Act really weird and make Jenny feel even more burdened by and terrified for the totally natural thing she's been trying to get accomplished this whole time.

Shocker but the whole Rufus-fucking-Holland thing was just waffles all the way. "I guess a part of me wanted to even the score," Rufus says, savoring the only interesting part of the story, but then he -- duh -- couldn't go through with it. Why? Because he is a pussy. But really why? Because feelings, feelings, feelings. Lily doesn't even care about the unending poetic sentiments flowing out of his bangs, she just wants him to shut up and be her husband again. So once he tells her he loves her for the fiftieth time and inhales to tell her a hundred times more, she jumps in and says she loves him and kisses him to shut him up. Because surprise, they love each other and always have. Dan runs up to save us from this and tells him that Damien is a drug dealer, and Rufus shits and remembers how he used to care about that five seconds ago.

This Doug person runs up giving Chuck "that lawyer face" and acting all nuts about how even if people turned up tonight and even if the scandal is totally Chuck's clientele's catnip, they still have to hand it over. "We're getting attacked by Christian Conservatives," Doug whines, and Chuck goes, "We have those in Manhattan?" Nice. But no, the "Family Travel Council" is organizing a boycott, whatever, that's hilarious, and Doug finally levels that no matter what, Chuck has to appear to have taken leave. He suggests a family member take over operations of the board, and Jack materializes and offers his services, of course, and Chuck tells him to fuck himself, and Jack acts all creepy some more and talks about how Chuck stole Bass Ind. from him and thus Jack will find a way to steal Chuck Stuff from Chuck. "At least you know it's staying in the family," he says, which is de rigeur in one way, and sorta references Blair in another, but is mostly one of the fifteen red neon arrows pointing toward what's obviously going to happen and has been obvious since the second Chuck went to Bart's grave.

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Gossip Girl

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