Gossip Girl
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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When Concubine Met Catamite

Worse than Headache Cancer is the dorking out of Dan and Vanessa, who stretch a tiny scene into an epic of awkwardness that basically amounts to a lot of meta hyper-talk about the Zones and the hiding and the how much they love each other. Even for my new favorite couple, this shit is abominable. Endpoint is, he agrees to tell people about them, and they fuck some more, and I just want to see Vanessa's zebra bra again.

Everything happens so fast but takes so long to talk about. The next thing is, Nate shows up and apologizes to S. Not for calling her a whore, but for calling Rufus and letting her be possibly attacked. S totally goes, "No, it's okay. My plan was dumb anyway." Which is kind of ruining the joke, but whatever. She apologizes for running off that time they fucked before, and promises to never do that and disappear and run off and have a videotaped threesome and kill a man. Ever again. He promises the same, and they say they love each other in a meaningful way. (HA! Just kidding.)

But you know, somewhere Jenny's V-card is blinking a bright red light like, "Nope, Nate's the one, obviously, after three years we know that, so enjoy yourselves while it lasts. Tick tock." Which honestly: The amount of times people break up and get back together on this show, plus the amount of times Serena and Nate honestly forget what the fuck is going on at any given moment, he could cash that check Jenny wrote three years ago and be back to have "breakfast" with Serena before Little J went to school. Maybe before, if you add the way this show operates in the fourth dimension. Maybe he already cashed it and nobody knows yet.

Chuck comes home to Blair, who has put out champagne to celebrate: Chuck, opening his heart to Elizabeth, and Blair, for encouraging him to do it. Which is sweet, and central to their ongoing thing of being honest and open and loving like it's a party trick that hurts them every time they do it... But also means that when the massive shit comes down, Blair's going to be ever-more-implicated in whatever happens.

...Which is, obviously, the fact that Elizabeth and Jack and Doug the Lawyer are all in cahoots. And have themselves a hotel.

Next week: Agnes is back with roofies in hand, Georgina style, while I think Serena declares war on Uncle Jack. Everything was going so well until that last montage, too... I mean, besides for Jenny.

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